Tea Bagging Twilight

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Manna of Meat Lovers' by reluctantreader

The Pineapple Awards! The Best of the Worst Lemons Contest

Title: Manna of Meat Lovers'

Author: reluctantreader

Beta: Ha! Like anyone would touch this! *lol*

Word Count: 1,476

Rated: 'Mature' because it uses words like 'drippy pussy' and 'cocktastical' (actually it doesn't, but this is a lemon contest, duh!)

Disclaimer: If Stephenie wrote this, I think Twilight would be a whole different kind of saga. And she's probably be banned in all fifty states.

Author's Note: I just wanted to do this because it sounded ridiculous and a lot of my favorite author's were entering. I decided, 'Eh, why not?' So, here you have it, the awfulness that is a pineapple!

"Come on, Jazzy. You know you want it," Jess crooned into the phone. She'd been lucky enough to get the Jasper Dick Special and she was hungry for a second serving. Her fingers tickled the layers of her overheated sex just thinking about the delectable dick he offered her a little over a month ago. Oooh! She was sopping wet.

"Hmm," Jasper answered noncommittally into his cell as he zoned out and thought about his life. It had been weeks -fucking weeks- since he had seen a vag. He was aching, positively dieing to get balls deep into something. Sadly, he had exhausted all the available pussy within the Forks town limits. He hated to screw the same ol' tail over and over again, but he had little choice. Now, he was forced to walk around with perpetual wood while has-been pussy tried to rub all over him. He couldn't even get off to Jess Stanley talking dirty into the phone. He was naked and everything! It should have been easy!

"Mmm, yeah," Jessica's soft whimpers brought Jasper back to the present phone... uh ...conversation. They both knew she was laying it on a little thick. But hey, it was worth a shot. Not so much for Jasper though, if his flaccid cock was any indication.

Jasper sighed heavy and closed his phone, leaving Jessica to her business. He peeked at his dick again and couldn't stop his lips from pouting. His poor, poor, lonely cock. He petted it a little.

Nope, nothing.

Jasper sighed as he shook his head. His dick was a travesty.

He was slightly pulled from his self-dick-precation by the sound of his doorbell ringing and the answering shout of his grandmother, telling him to get his lazy ass up and answer the damn door. Sluggishly, he pulled some sweats over his cock before making his way to the front downstairs.

What greeted him when he opened the door was a dark haired angel. No, she was a pocket sized vision. No! She was manna from the heavens of sexy and delicious! She was a savior, a provider, a gift from the gods. She was everything he could ever want, wrapped in black, slightly baggy Dickey pants and an ugly red polo, only tucked-in in the front. The goddess was also wearing a matching red and black visor, showcasing her spiky black hair in all its fuckable glory. Oh yes, she could get it.

And if that wasn't enough, the next words out of her mouth sealed their fate as lovers and caused Jasper to groan aloud.

"One extra-large 'Meat Lovers' pizza with extra sausage, one tall southern sweet tea with lemon, and an order of 'Kinky Twists' cinnamon sticks."

The vixen said more, Jasper was sure of it, but he couldn't get past the words "extra-large meat lover," "sausage," and "kinky twists." Surely, she was trying to tell him something.

"You- Who are you?" Jasper rasped out, suddenly feeling choked up that the gods decided to gift him such a beauty. And she showed up baring food too! This was fated.

"Umm..." The girl was taken off guard by the hottie with the southern accent whom decided to answer his door shirtless and sock-less and underwear-less (she could definitely tell!), but quickly composed herself. "I'm Alice, the Pizza Hut delivery girl," And because the guy just stared at her all weird and blankly, she rambled some more. "I usually work at the Pizza Hut out in Sequin, but Forks was short a driver and they're giving me a bonus for this and I fucking refuse to let Marcy get the staff leader position that I've worked hard all summer to get. I don't give a rat's putootie if her dad's the general manager, she can suck on some failure 'cause Mary Alice Brandon's going home with employee of the month this go-round!"

Jasper looked up and blinked. He hadn't heard a word she said as his attention was on her tits and not on whatever the hell she was spewing. He knew her name was Alice -per her perfectly placed boob level nametag- but that was about it. Actually, he knew something else... "And you would love to suck on some kinky, extra-large meaty sausage with a tall southern?" At least, that what he got out of their brief conversation.

Alice blinked at the guy and was immediately enraged. Who the hell said shit like that? And he was grabbing at his crotch and everything! It was like he had no filter or something. Like he had a brain issue and couldn't help himself. What did they call it? Turrets? Ferrets? Whatever the fuck it was, he had to be one crazy fucker!

Seriously, though! Who said shit like that? Maybe he was a little slow or something. She immediately felt bad. She was so quick to jump to the perv conclusion that she ruled out the possibility that he was mentally handicapped. Poor baby. She pouted up at him with bright shining brown eyes as she struggled for a response. What were you supposed to say to people with Terrier-ets? Oh! She knew! Agree with them and try to placate them.

"Totally," she nodded almost solemnly, not quite finished beating herself up over the fact that she as mentally making fun of the retarded.

That was all the confirmation Jasper's lust clouded mind needed to hear as he made to ripe Alice into the house. He was momentarily at a loss, not sure whether to toss the food aside or take it with them to his bedroom. His grandmother made the decision for him as she walked into the foyer holding thirty dollars to pay the pizza delivery person and asked what the two crazy kids were up to.

Jasper was quick on his toes with a response. "Alice is new to the area and needs a book for school Monday. Marcy took hers by accident." He didn't know why Marcy seemed like an important name, but fuck it. He needed to bust a nut -Right. The. Fuck. Now!- and if his grandmother didn't leave them be, she was going to get the show of a lifetime.

Sensing the panic in her grandson's voice while he gripped the hand of the lovely pizza girl, Jasper's grandmother grabbed the pizza and shooed the kids upstairs. She figured her grandson was trying to impress the young lady by showing her how up to date his schoolwork was and what a genius he would be if she ever needed a tutor. After all, he was her little shining star.

His bedroom door wasn't even shut all the way before Jasper was all shredding Alice's clothes off because he couldn't stand to have them in his way anymore. He was all hot and bothered, his dick never being as hard as it was in that moment. "Look, girl. I'm trying to get down and dirty all up on that snatch. It's looking mighty tasty." Jasper licked his lips.

Alice was stunned silent all this time, but she couldn't deny how wet and sticky her pussy was getting over this guy's words. Instead of speaking, she ran a finger through her musky juices and trailed it over his lips, causing both of them to groan because it was so hot and they were both seventeen and had never witnessed anything so sexy.

Jasper couldn't take it any more. He flipped Alice over and with a loud triumphant laugh said, "Bitch, I'ma put it in your butt!"

"No! Yes!…No! Yes!" Alice was so turned on she didn't know what to do! Her pussy was so leaky and drippy, making her head all hazy with clouds of lust and 'this-shit-is-so-crazy-and-stupid-and-I-don't-even-know-this-dude's-name-but-fuck-he's-damn-sexy-so-resposibility-doesn't-matter.'

Jasper couldn't figure out what she meant. It was really starting to tick him off. He made a decision then and didn't care if Alice was indecisive anymore. He powered up his big, veiny, triumphant bastard of a cock and slammed into that butt. He then proceeded to spew arcing ropes of jizzum all up in her anal cavity, pulled out, and went to sleep.

Alice kneeled there on all fours and had no idea what had just happened. Was it over? Seriously? She must have blacked-out, her orgasm hit her so hard. Alice had to say that she was kind of disappointed because she blacked it out. But she had totally obviously come all squirty-like -she thinks- so it was totally worth it, right?

Instead of pondering how this guy just made her come until she jumped a time/space continuum, she went to sleep.

And they lived happily ever after in Jasper's grandma's basement because Alice ended up pregnant because they didn't use a condom and all the jizz leaked into Alice's vagina hole while they were snoring, grandma and pizza forgotten and cold downstairs in the kitchen.

The End.

A/N: Yeah...sooo...lemme know what you think! And don't forget to read the other entries popping up all over FFn. Check out teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com for the complete info.
~Tay

Crispy by Jackie K Paper

Crispy
AN: This is my entry for The Pineapple Awards – The Best of the Worst Lemons. The goal is to write a bad/ridiculous/unsexy lemon. This is my ridiculousness. It may have a high gross-out factor . . . or not . . . I guess it depends on your taste in fics.
Disclaimer: As always, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.

TPOV
"Fucking do it already! Why are you wussing-out on me now? It's not like we haven't done anything like this before. Will you fucking put it in me already! I want to feel you put it in me, hard and crispy, baby. Hard and crispy!"
Crispy? Was that supposed to turn me on? Does someone somewhere think this shit qualifies as dirty talk? Maybe I should seriously rethink going out with Lauren. She's got to be fucking thoroughly disturbed if she thinks this does anything for me.
Of course, pathetically, she's right, it wasn't like we hadn't done anything like this before. But this? No, not fucking this.
Maybe we were moving too fast. Maybe we needed to slow down and work up to this. Does that mean that I'm a pussy? No, fuck that, I'm all man!
But fuck, this is too much, there has to be a line even for her. Doesn't there? I mean, she actually wanted me to do this? To thrust in, out, in and out, over and over, and fucking over again? She wanted this? Aren't you supposed to work up to this little by little? Like take it by steps or something? My finger, then maybe two fingers or three, my tongue, my cock, maybe a little fisting. But skipping to this! When we've only made it like part way through that list? What the fuck?
Seriously, I'm going where no man has gone before, and no man should ever fucking go, ever! At least not like this! Again I ask; what the fuck?

~~OoO~~

LPOV
"Please baby, please. I need it. I want it. I have to have it. Give it to me. Now, baby. Please, baby, please. I'm ready. I'm so ready."
Maybe if I sound all needy he'll fucking do it already. Why does Tyler have to be the biggest fucking pussy-ass boyfriend? He knew we were working up to this. Fuck, I've purposely made the effort to go slow. I wanted this the first fucking time! Haven't we done enough of the little stuff already?
I started him with baby carrot fingers. We worked our way up through celery sticks. Ah, the celery stick; fuck that snap sound it made when it broke… now that was a melody.
Last week when he pumped me with the cucumber while he lightly dusted my clit with the parsley, that was just, wow, I don't think I've ever cum so hard. There were like stars in my eyes, and fireworks and just, wow. I pressed that parsley between two pieces of glass, framed it and put it on the wall above my bed.
And afterwards, when Tyler took a bite out of the cucumber that was dripping with my woman juice, goose bumps. Fucking goose bumps.
Now he fucking wimps-out on me. It's not like we're using a cauliflower. A large, hard, round, fresh cauliflower. Now that would take some pushing, some force, some muscle. Just thinking about the potential of the colossal cauliflower is making me ooze with desire.
No, right now, we're working with a big purple eggplant, an aubergine, a thing of beauty. Not as big and hard as a cauliflower, but thick and long. I bet it would make that crispy snap sound if it broke.
"Please baby, please. You can use a little of the heating strawberry lube if you want. Please, please. I want it. You know you want to do it to me."
~~OoO~~
TPOV
She's fucking begging. I love it when she begs. Why can't she fucking beg for my cock instead? I can do this. I can do this for her. Maybe if I do this she'll let me do what I want. I'm not fucking asking, I'm just going to do it.
"Here it comes baby. You feel that? You feel me pushing it inside of you?" How could she not, it's fucking huge.
"Yeah like that. Like that."
"I'm going to go slow, baby, real slow. I'm going to move you a little so I can feel you writhe on my lap. Okay baby?" And another slow pump with the fucking vegetable. "Okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. Please, please."
Now that's where I want her. Now just a little more strawberry shit on my cock and I'll fucking slide it in the back door. She wants hers? Well, I'm getting mine.
"Ouch, fuck. What the hell are you doing, Tyler? I didn't say you could fucking do that."
"Come on, baby. I'll go slow. Feel the eggplant pumping you slowly? And when I've almost pulled it out, I'm just going to slide my cock into you, just like that. See how filled you are? There's always something in you. You feel my stiff shaft? You feel it? Now I'm going to pull my cock out nice and slow and slide that eggplant right back into you. You like that baby? You like that?"
"Oh my fuck, Oh my fuck. Yes. Yes. I do. I fucking do."
Damn it's hard to get my cock in there with that fucking vegetable in the way. If it was a bit smaller I could maybe move it a little faster or shove it further into her to get it out of my fucking way. Wait, that's it. I'll push that shit further into her. I'll do it hard. See how much she really fucking likes it. Maybe I'll get her to forget about this stupid shit and just let me fuck her like normal people fuck.
"Tyler, that doesn't feel good. I don't like that so much. Tyler!"
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. She's going to kill me.
"Tyler, what are you doing? Tyler I don't like that."
"Oh shit. Oh shit. OH FUCKING SHIT!"
"What? What's going on Tyler? What the fuck are you doing to me?"
"It's stuck."
"What's fucking stuck? Your cock? Bullshit, pull that fucker out of my ass!"
"The eggplant. I can't. I can't. What the fuck am I going to do? How do you want me to pull it out, Lauren? I can't do it. I can't. Oh my fuck, this is gross. This is so wrong."
"Stop being a fucking wuss! Just grab the fork. What the hell else would you do? Grab the fucking fork."
"What fork? Are you fucking telling me that this has happened before? That you fucking know how to get a stuck vegetable out of your pussy? Seriously?"
"Just grab the fucking fork, you ass. It's in the drawer in my nightstand."
The drawer. The drawer, that was my undoing. The drawer that had not only a fork, but rotting vegetables. Gross, putrid, stinking, fucking rotting vegetables.
That was it. I retched. There was no turning back. I fucking threw up. Though I guess it could have been worse, at least it was the salad that I had for lunch that I tossed all over her.

AN: I'm sure I've like leapfrogged over that "line you shall not cross." My beta, Unimaginative Olena, didn't really approve of this one shot "Okay, that was gross. Like really really really gross." Twific Crackmum on the other hand said "DEW IT!"

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Tent Scene SMeyer Didn't Want You to See by tiffaninichole

A/N:
Before reading, be forewarned that this is a contest for bad lemons. I just couldn't pass this contest up. It's total WIN.
I didn't have the heart to ask coachlady to beta this mess.
Read at your own risk.
*dramatic voice* I present: The tent scene Smeyer didn't want you to see...
xxxxxxxxx
"Brrrr," I said. I was really, really cold.
"Hey, Bella?" Jake said.
"Huh?" I said.
"Why don't you come in the sleeping bag with me? I can keep you nice and warm."
I looked at Edward and his jaw was really tense. I didn't want to make him upset, so I waited to see what he would say.
After a long time of silence, Edward said: "Okay. But I don't trust that mutt. If you go under the sleeping bag, I do too."
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," Jake said too.
I got in the sleeping bag and cuddled into Jake's warm body. Edward laid behind Jake because he was too cold to be right next to me.
I suddenly felt Jake move his hips behind me and I felt something really hard and really big and I realized what it was with a loud gasp.
"What's wrong, love?" Edward said.
"I wanna have a threesome!" I blurted out of nowhere.
It was quiet for a long time.
"Okay," said Edward.
"Okay," said Jake.
We all stood up and the boys stripped the clothes off of my lithe body.
Edward stood behind me, his long, cold fingers tickling my bulging nubbin, the sticky fluid of my arousal oozing down my trim, porcelain thighs.
Meanwhile, Jake ripped off my bra, lowered his mouth to my pert breast and took a budding gland between his lips. I moaned super loud. His tongue's ministrations made my downy pubic hairs tremble with want.
"Oh, Jake, you make me so horny. I want you in my lustrous cavern!"
Before I could say another word, Jake had ripped off his boxers and wantonly revealed his huge scepter of love.
Then he dropped on his knees before me and darted his tongue out, making it lap deliciously over my dripping vulva. "ARGH!" I screamed as he suckled my swollen nubbin into his mouth until my knees collapsed from beneath me.
As soon as I hit the floor, Edward bent me over and slammed his unyielding staff into my gooey chamber. He dipped into me over and over and over again until I screamed so piercingly loud... like one of those crazy banshee ladies you read about on the internet when you Google Greek mythology or something like that.
Suddenly Jake's divining rod was in my face, the straining, purple, fleshy tip just begging for release as dewey, glistening droplets weeped out of his tiny pee-hole.
I slurped up those little droplets like a gerbil drinking out of its little water tube-thingy. I gorged myself on his pole, taking it deep into my mouth, siphoning the orgasm out of his ball sachet.
The combination of being with both of the men I loved was overwhelming and my entire ghostly-white body shivered and shook with moist, sticky pleasure.
Edward sloshed his manly baton into me until I got dizzy and finally came unleashed, thrashing around as liquid ecstasy drizzled out of my tight chamber, splattering down my legs into a juicy puddle of volcanic bliss-juice.
I screamed, but never stopped sucking Jake's wand of power. It didn't take long before hot bursts of his semen-y syrup erupted into my awaiting mouth. As he succumbed to the magically delicious sensations, Jake growled and started trembling. And then he wolfsploded right in front of me! He was a wolf, but like, really big! Like, bigger than one of those huge sheep-dogs!
Then he turned around and put his hairy wolf-butt in front my face and I was filled with salivating want as I imagined licking the dingle-berries off of it. Before I could do just that, he darted out of the tent.
I was confused.
Edward was panting behind me, relentlessly clobbering into my lightly-furred, slippery cavity as he said: "Jake wants me to tell you that he's leaving before he loses control."
"Okay," I said sexily.
Right after I said that, I heard Edward hiss and shriek and his movements became erratic. I said: "Come in me, Edward! Impregnate me with your salty nectar!"
And he came with a molten vengeance, his milky serum filling up my uterus and shooting into my needful ovaries.
"MKGRRGJLMBDZJIRQWH!" he said.
He collapsed behind me and I followed, wonderfully exhausted. Wolf-Seth came into the tent then, but I was too spent to cover myself.
As I succumbed to sleep, I heard a noise and hazily looked over. Wolf-Seth's tongue was lapping at a little puddle.
Strange, I thought.
Where did a puddle come from?
The end.
xxxxxxxxx
Wolfsplode was snatched from shoefreak37's funny ass crack!fic, "Story about a vampire and human in love and stuff." The word is too epic for me NOT to steal it! LOL!
Dingle-berries: Little balls of crusted poop that cling to your buttcrack hairs.

The Mechanics of Thrust by AngelGoddess1981

A/N: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just really enjoy messing around with them. No copyright infringement intended.
I wrote this filthy little one shot as an entry for the Pineapple Awards, hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously and while it would kick ass if I won, I don't want to be judged by it... judged ON it, yes cuz that's how I'm gonna win, but BY it? Fuck no. Don't judge me. This is purely crackfic and was BEYOND fun to write.
NOTE: A pineapple is the worst of the worst lemons. Think, "My leaky, weeping pussy" bad. BAD.

~*The Mechanics of Thrust*~
...by AngelGoddess1981...
Holy fuck.
"Emmett, can you hand me the torque wrench?" Rosalie asks from beneath Carlisle's Mercedes. Her long, lean legs are bare and are the only part of her that's visible and I can't stop fucking staring at them.
I've got your torque wrench right here, baby, I think to myself with a groan because I can't think of anything other than how hard I am or the unspeakably dirty things I want to do to her. There's always been something about my Rosie under a vehicle that makes my cock stand at attention...okay, so it's not just her under a vehicle that makes me hard. It's pretty much every fucking time we're in the same room.
"Dammit, Emmett! Why do you even offer to help?" she yells, pushing herself out from under the vehicle on the red leather mechanic dolly. There's oil and dirt smudged on her face and neck, and her tits are... Fuckin' tear me apart and set me on fire. You see, she's wearing this shirt that's tight in all the right places (which is basically all the fuck over) and because she's laying down, she's got this incredible cleavage that's just begging for me to motorboat – she fucking hates when I do that, but she lets me as long as she can... Uhhh... You know what? I've already said too much. Let's just leave it at: "she lets me motorboat the twins." Cool.
"What?" I say, but it sounds more like "Pubba?" because I'm still staring at her tits. I contemplate ripping off her clothes and driving my cock into her while she's on the dolly, wondering if all the forward momentum of my thrusting will cause us to move around the garage. I laugh out loud because the image is fucking hilarious and I suddenly want to try it.
She's on her feet and staring me down. Her eyes are wide and furious, the amber colour quickly being overcome by black as her anger escalates. She's annoyed. I don't need mind-reader-Eddie here to tell me that. I'm not a fucking tool.
Hoping to change her mood, I smile at her, and I make sure that it's wide enough that my dimples are deep because she can't resist them. I think I used to hate the fucking things as a kid, but man, they got me out of a lot of hot water with her.
Thrusting her finger in my face, she narrows her eyes menacingly. "Don't think you're getting off that easy, Emmett McCarty," she warns, her voice so low that I can hear a growl starting to rumble in her chest. All I hear is "getting off easy," before her snarl fills the room completely. The sound excites me, mostly because when Rosie growls, it usually means I'm in for crazy-angry sex. And crazy-angry sex in the garage could be fun. What with the dolly and all...
I laugh again.
"What is so damn funny?" she demands, frustrated. Waggling my eyebrows suggestively, her features soften slightly and I grab onto her and kiss her furiously. She pretends to try and push away, but I hold firm. I suspect she isn't really put out by my sudden need to fuck her.
I'm right; she does give in after I drop my hands to her ass and lift her until our faces are level. Her tongue pokes out, angrily insisting that I comply with its voracious demands. I do of course, because I'm a guy – and also because Mr. Stiffy wants to come out and say hello to her rocket socket.
Even though I can sense she's still a little angry (which is okay, 'cause remember, I like crazy-angry garage sex – or, I'm pretty sure I will), it only adds to the heat between us. Her hands are on the neck of my shirt, splitting it right down the middle and shredding it from my body before she pushes me hard against the Mercedes. The windows shatter into the vehicle as my rock-hard body collides with the fibreglass body of Carlisle's very expensive car. Whoops.
I'm honestly not too bothered by the damage to the car. It's to be expected when vampires fuck the way Rosie and I do. Which is hard and fast. We've been known to destroy walls and even entire houses – the latter being why Esme and Carlisle had us live separate from them in the beginning.
Teeth sink into my bottom lip and her venom burns, indicating that there will be a scar there later. Then, Rosalie rakes her nails along my chest; the sound filling the garage is not unlike that of nails on a chalkboard, but after decades of being as hard as stone – no, not just my love stick, 'cause that shit was harder than a motherfucking diamond at this point – that sound was almost the sexiest sound in the world. Well, unless it was coming from Carlisle and Esme's room. I shudder and quickly feel the need for vampire-strength brain bleach.
"Shit, Rosie," I pant, even though I don't really breath. As her hands tear my pants open, releasing the Cock-Ness Monster, I rush us forward until her body is sandwiched between my own and Edward's Vanquish. The metal frame groans in protest as I yank her shorts down, letting them fall to her ankles as I pick her up.
Her legs wrap around my waist, forcing my cocksicle to slide along her love canal. It's now rock-hard flesh on rock-hard flesh as I continue to drive my hips against her. Slipping my hand up beneath her top – also tearing it in the process – I palm one of the fun-bag twins until her back arches into my touch. She moans and I groan...or maybe that was Edward's car again. Who fucking cares?
As we continue to grind against each other like horny teenagers – which is what we were told to portray while staying here in Forks – Edward's car is starting to sway behind Rosie, and her nails are now digging into my back. I can hear her tearing into the back of my shoulders, my skin cracking and crumbling away, before I can feel it slowly beginning to heal. I can't take it anymore; after taking several more passes, I drive my shaft deep into her cock-pit, the sound of stone grinding against stone echoes in my ears, pushing me toward what I fully expected to be a powerful, mind-altering jizz-fest. And soon, the Vanquish's windows meet the same fate as the Mercedes'. Double whoops.
As I pump my rod deep into her, her tight little pussy starts to clench even tighter around me. The strength of her around my dick doesn't slow me at all; it actually makes me want to move faster because it feels so fucking good! So, I thrust... And I pump... And I slam into her until I feel my lower abdomen starting to tighten and a growl starts to build deep within my belly as I prepare to come inside her.
I continue to pound into Rosie and for some reason, the way our cock-gina is rising in temperature starts to make me think back to a distant human memory. It's not super-clear – that's what she said – but I'm pretty sure that in it, I learned that you can start a fire by slamming two stones together. While it should worry me, especially with the way we're hammering away at each other, I figure with no kindling around, the house is probably pretty safe. Right?
I do look around the garage, just to be safe, when my eyes land on that damn dolly and I laugh. Yes, again. I don't know why, but I really need to fuck her on that thing. Rose looks at me strangely as I continue to laugh, and it seems like she wants to ask me what I find so funny about being buried ballsack deep inside her. I don't give her the opportunity to ask out loud though before I throw us down on that damn dolly.
She's flat on her back, and I'm still pressed firmly between her thighs as she giggles. "I've always wondered what this would be like," she confesses as she wraps her legs tighter around me, almost like she's buckling me in for a wild ride. She's sweet, ain't she?
I look down at her lovingly as I move a little slower than we did against the Vanquish, testing out the mobility of the dolly before I decide we can manage it without breaking it or sending it flying from beneath us. I bet you're wondering if I was right earlier? Did the dolly move as we fucked? You bet your fine human asses it did!
Rosalie starts moaning breathlessly beneath me, each sound is punctuated by every one of my manic pushes into her. It's a good thing we're virtually indestructible, because as we move around the garage, I'm not paying attention to anything other than how her pussy feels around me. It's tight and so hot and it's creating delicious friction that rocks my entire body. Because I'm not paying close attention, we run into the tall red tool box that crashes down over us, and tools rain down on my back.
Grinning wickedly, I raise my body but continue to rock my hips. "You're tits..." thrust "...are so fu..." thrust thrust thrust "...king... HOT!" I lower my face between the two splendiferous boobs and I motherfucking motorboat the shit out of them. It's great and I don't know why it's as hot as it is, but I can feel my balls tighten in preparation of spilling my venom deep inside of her.
"Ugh!" She grunts in pleasure – well, I'm sure it's really more annoyance, but we'll go with pleasure. "You know what happens when you do that," she warns, but I don't care 'cause if I'm being completely honest I've never come harder in my life than when I let her do—
As I push my face harder into her tits and increase my motorboating efforts, she leans up, stretches an arm down beneath mine and over my back until her fingers trail down south. Some kind of ass-survival mode kicks in and my cheeks clench shut, but she insists and I relax. She teases my shit-chute with her index finger, circling it twice before she breaches the barrier. And then it's all over; I'm a blubbering mess of shaking marble flesh and limbs as I pulse and release my vampire-man-seed deep within the confines of her walls as they contract and milk me dry.
I collapse on top of her, both of us breathing deeply (and unnecessarily) and completely motherfucking spent, and the dolly breaks under our full weight. This makes us both laugh hysterically. Our laughter is short-lived though when the garage door opens, slamming hard against the wall behind it.
"What the hell did you guys do to my car?" Edward cries out, his voice nowhere near as "velvety" as his human mate seems to think it is. It's actually kind of pre-pubescent sounding which makes Rosie and I laugh even harder.
"Aaah, Eddie," I say, rolling off of Rose and sitting bare-assed on the concrete as she reaches for my torn shirt to cover herself. "One day, you'll understand the mechanics of thrust and I'm sure you and Bells will ruin a car or two... Maybe even an entire house."
~*The End*~

AN: Yeah... So, remember, no judging ME. Judge the FIC for the complete absurdity that it is!
Check out all the other contest entries on the Teabag Twilight Blog as well! They're soooo funny! Which, is kind of the point of the entire contest!
So, no judging me for being a total pig. It was only a matter of time before I let it out! But, I'd love to hear what you thought! So, PLEASE REVIEW!

xoxo,
AG1981

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

To Love a Pixie by TheManiacalMuse

8==D~ ~ ~

A/N: This is an entry for the Pineapple Awards, hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight. Total crackfic. Not serious business at all. For serious.
NOTE: A pineapple is the worst of the worst lemons. Like, bad. 'Streaming ribbons of cum' bad. Yeah, you heard me.
Also, Twilight's not mine. Not even sure I want to claim ownership of this o_O

8==D~ ~ ~

"Come on-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, Jazzy," Alice whined.

Jasper looked at her and grimaced. She couldn't be serious. "You can't be serious," he said.

"Yes I can ... and I am. Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase put these on?"

Jasper shook his head vehemently. "No. Absolutely not."

"Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase?"

"No."

"PLEA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ASE?"

"NO."

Alice's lip turned down into a quivery pout. "Please?" she asked softly, her elfin eyes shining brightly with soon-to-be-shed tears. Her tiny hands held out the offending ... things toward him. Jasper couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge what they were.

"For the last time, NO. No way in hell am I putting those on."

Alice's sad pout turned indignant. "That's not fair!" she exclaimed, punctuating her outrage with a stomp of her miniature foot. "I did 'maiden in distress' for you, Major Whitlock. So now you have to return the favour."

"Fuck me," Jasper groaned. He knew playing out that little fantasy of his would come back to bite him in the ass. "Don't make me do this, Ali. I'll never live it down."

"Oh, hush. No one's going to know but us."

"Exactly. I'll know. That in itself is bad enough. If anyone else ever found out I'd be forced to dig a hole, climb into it, and set fire to myself." He started to imagine the looks on his teammates' faces as they gawked at illicit pictures of him plastered all over the locker room walls. No. No, that could never happen. He was NOT doing this. "I'm not doing this," he said adamantly.

Alice's lips began to quiver again and this time a tear trickled down her cheek. She flopped down to the floor, the sparkly wings on her back flapping a few times as she leaned forward with her face in her hands. "You don't love me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" she wailed, sobbing and sniffling dramatically.

"God have mercy..." Jasper mumbled, scrubbing his own hands over his face and hoping that when he opened his eyes again this would all just be a really, really bad dream.

He did – it wasn't. "Motherfucker," he muttered to himself.

Jasper cringed as Alice's wailing grew louder. She was quickly reaching uncharted heights of hysteria – a blubbering pile of pitiful pixie at his feet. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do it already! Just stop crying!" he yelped, hands now over his ears.

Alice's head popped up immediately, her eyes dry and gleaming in victory. "Yay-y-y-y-y-y!" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet and breaking into a bouncing clap. Her wings shook violently as she began to twirl and dance with happiness. Jasper couldn't help but wonder what the fuck he saw in this insane little sprite.

"Here you go!" she shrieked excitedly, thrusting the... the... the things at him.

Jasper closed his eyes as he raised ... them ... to the sides of his head. He couldn't believe he was doing this. No amount of hot, wet, cock-hugging vag could possibly be worth the humiliation.

"Oh my God-d-d-d-d-d, you look perfect!" Alice exclaimed. "Come on ... come see!"

He reluctantly let her drag him across their bedroom to the full length mirror on the back of the door, keeping his eyes clenched shut for as long as he possibly could.

"Look, Jazzy!" Alice demanded.

Jasper forced himself to open one eye and take in their reflection. There they were, standing side by side – her rainbow-coloured gauzy dress; sparkling, glittery wings; and soft, knee-high brown boots perfectly complimented by his ... ears.

Yes. Jasper Whitlock, star quarterback for his college football team and legacy to his family's long line of war heroes, was standing beside his imp of a girlfriend wearing a pair of pointed, plastic elf ears. He wanted to die.

"Mmmmm," Alice hummed, running her hand up and down his chest. "You're so hot right now."

Hot enough to burst into flames and not have to go through with this? Jasper wondered. He made one final attempt at saving his dwindling manliness. "Fuck, Ali. Please do not make me do this."

"Hush, you," she whispered, her hand now moving over his junk. He had no idea how she expected him to get hard when he looked and felt like a complete assclown. "Let's go make love under the heart tree."

Jasper barely managed to not roll his eyes as Alice led him by the hand to the huge construction-paper tree she'd taped to the wall. A blanket of fake grass was spread out on the floor beneath it, silk flower heads scattered all around, and there was a family of stuffed squirrels – mother, father, two kids and a tiny little baby – sitting off to the side. They stared at him; their black, beady eyes ready to watch as he committed the ultimate act of emasculation.

Alice was busy removing his pants as he stood frozen in horror, pushing them down his legs with his boxers and urging him to lift his feet. Jasper did so without even realizing it, and she pulled his socks off too, tossing his last few pieces of 'normal' across the room.

He snapped out of his stupor when she began to fasten a wide, fabric belt around his waist, complete with a thin plastic sword hanging from it. "Ohhh, no. No, no, no! The ears were one thing... I am not dressing up like Peter Pan."

"Don't be silly," Alice scoffed, her trilling laugh echoing off the walls and piercing straight into Jasper's brain. "You're not Peter Pan ... you're Leezolar – King of the Elves of Singshire!"

Jasper could only blink at her, wondering if maybe she had escaped from an asylum before he met her.

"And I'm Alantricia, your Queen," she continued, sounding more and more crazy by the second.

"Alan-who?"

"A–lan–tree–see–a. Your Queen. Our people are waiting for us to consummate; our love-liquids are what keep the earth fertile so we can grow and thrive among the trees."

Now he knew she was crazy. Bonkers. One nut short a jar of almonds. Totally bat-shit insane.

"Alice..."

She put a finger to his lips. "Alantricia...

"And be silent, my sweet elf-king. The time has come for us to fulfill our duty and bring prosperity to our people through our lust. Now lie on the Altar of the Mother's Heart – she will be with us as we perform this public act of worshipful passion."

Jasper assumed she meant the blanket of fake, prickly grass and grudgingly laid down on his back, his mind in a daze as the words 'love-liquids', 'mother', and 'public act' swam through his brain. He had never been so turned off in his life.

"Okay ... wait there!" Alice squeaked enthusiastically. She bounded to the closet and rummaged around in some boxes, eventually returning with an armful of Barbie dolls.

What the fuck? thought Jasper. This whole situation just kept going from bad to worse and impossibly more worse.

With great trepidation he looked closer as Alice began sitting the little dolls along the edge of the ... altar, noticing with an inward groan that they were dressed as tiny little elves – right down to their pointed hats and belted tunics.

"Ready!" she announced, and in a flash she was straddling his waist, her ripped and tattered multicoloured dress tickling his sides as she swayed and gyrated atop him.

They weren't actually having sex ... and yet Alice was moaning loudly, raising her arms to the ceiling and chanting in some bizarre language. "Yaya yeeky yee! Yaya yeeky yee! Dunlaka, moonlaka, leeky leeky lee-e-e-e-e-e!"

Leaky what now? Jasper wondered in confusion. He was actually starting to be genuinely worried for Alice's sanity. First she came up with this whole freak show, and now she was speaking complete gibberish – the girl was out of her God damned mind.

Alice's eyes snapped open and she stared at him intensely, her chest heaving with every breath. "It's time," she said profoundly, reaching down between them and gripping his solid cock. He had no idea when or how the fuck he had gotten hard, but somehow – miraculously – he was.

Before Jasper could blink he was deep in Alice's hot kitty, their ... love-liquids making squishy, slurping noises as she bounced furiously against his hips. "Leezolar!" she cried. "Leezolar, my king! Spill your man-seed so we may fertilize the earth!"

As disturbingly fucked up as the whole thing was, Jasper couldn't help but respond to the stimulus she was placing upon him. He gripped her hips tightly, practically lifting her off his body and slamming her back down with every tight stroke her yaya made on his cock.

Wait a minute, he suddenly realized after using the term unconsciously. Was that what she was calling out about earlier? Was her snatch a 'yaya' – making him ... the 'leaky'? What the motherfuck was this chick on?

Apparently it didn't matter, because he could feel the heat building in the groin as his ... man-seed prepared to ... spill.

"Say my name!" Alice shrieked. "Say my name as we give birth to another year of prosperity to these lands!"

"Alan... Alan..." Jasper grunted, momentarily horrified that he was calling a man's name during sex, but he just couldn't remember the ridiculous moniker she had given herself. "Alan-n-n-n-n..."

"Alantricia! Alantricia!" she cried out, bouncing so furiously he was a little afraid his dick would slip out and get bent in half by a hard downward thrust.

Jasper quickly forgot all about that though, as he suddenly came harder than he ever had, his leaky spilling his man-seed into her yaya. "Alantricia-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

Alice collapsed on top of him, quivering in her own aftermath of release as he laid there in stunned silence. He could still feel the warmth of orgasm tickling his groin, tiny waves of climax ebbing and flowing within him. What the fuck just happened? he wondered frantically.

"Mmmmm. Jazzy, that was amazing," Alice mumbled against his chest. "Thank you so much for letting me have that. And because I love you and know how much you love me back, I promise you never have to do it again."

Never? thought Jasper, the tingly goodness he felt continuing to flow within him. He really wasn't sure about that. His girlfriend might be a fucked up, elf-fantasizing, screaming pixie mental patient – but...

He was kind of starting to like these ears.

8==D~ ~ ~

A/N2: *snort* Yeah – there's a couple hours of my life I'll never get back...
I hope I least got a few laughs for my efforts. Review if you want :)