The Pineapple Awards! The Best of the Worst Lemons Contest
Title: Manna of Meat Lovers'
Author: reluctantreader
Beta: Ha! Like anyone would touch this! *lol*
Word Count: 1,476
Rated: 'Mature' because it uses words like 'drippy pussy' and 'cocktastical' (actually it doesn't, but this is a lemon contest, duh!)
Disclaimer: If Stephenie wrote this, I think Twilight would be a whole different kind of saga. And she's probably be banned in all fifty states.
Author's Note: I just wanted to do this because it sounded ridiculous and a lot of my favorite author's were entering. I decided, 'Eh, why not?' So, here you have it, the awfulness that is a pineapple!
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"Come on, Jazzy. You know you want it," Jess crooned into the phone. She'd been lucky enough to get the Jasper Dick Special and she was hungry for a second serving. Her fingers tickled the layers of her overheated sex just thinking about the delectable dick he offered her a little over a month ago. Oooh! She was sopping wet.
"Hmm," Jasper answered noncommittally into his cell as he zoned out and thought about his life. It had been weeks -fucking weeks- since he had seen a vag. He was aching, positively dieing to get balls deep into something. Sadly, he had exhausted all the available pussy within the Forks town limits. He hated to screw the same ol' tail over and over again, but he had little choice. Now, he was forced to walk around with perpetual wood while has-been pussy tried to rub all over him. He couldn't even get off to Jess Stanley talking dirty into the phone. He was naked and everything! It should have been easy!
"Mmm, yeah," Jessica's soft whimpers brought Jasper back to the present phone... uh ...conversation. They both knew she was laying it on a little thick. But hey, it was worth a shot. Not so much for Jasper though, if his flaccid cock was any indication.
Jasper sighed heavy and closed his phone, leaving Jessica to her business. He peeked at his dick again and couldn't stop his lips from pouting. His poor, poor, lonely cock. He petted it a little.
Nope, nothing.
Jasper sighed as he shook his head. His dick was a travesty.
He was slightly pulled from his self-dick-precation by the sound of his doorbell ringing and the answering shout of his grandmother, telling him to get his lazy ass up and answer the damn door. Sluggishly, he pulled some sweats over his cock before making his way to the front downstairs.
What greeted him when he opened the door was a dark haired angel. No, she was a pocket sized vision. No! She was manna from the heavens of sexy and delicious! She was a savior, a provider, a gift from the gods. She was everything he could ever want, wrapped in black, slightly baggy Dickey pants and an ugly red polo, only tucked-in in the front. The goddess was also wearing a matching red and black visor, showcasing her spiky black hair in all its fuckable glory. Oh yes, she could get it.
And if that wasn't enough, the next words out of her mouth sealed their fate as lovers and caused Jasper to groan aloud.
"One extra-large 'Meat Lovers' pizza with extra sausage, one tall southern sweet tea with lemon, and an order of 'Kinky Twists' cinnamon sticks."
The vixen said more, Jasper was sure of it, but he couldn't get past the words "extra-large meat lover," "sausage," and "kinky twists." Surely, she was trying to tell him something.
"You- Who are you?" Jasper rasped out, suddenly feeling choked up that the gods decided to gift him such a beauty. And she showed up baring food too! This was fated.
"Umm..." The girl was taken off guard by the hottie with the southern accent whom decided to answer his door shirtless and sock-less and underwear-less (she could definitely tell!), but quickly composed herself. "I'm Alice, the Pizza Hut delivery girl," And because the guy just stared at her all weird and blankly, she rambled some more. "I usually work at the Pizza Hut out in Sequin, but Forks was short a driver and they're giving me a bonus for this and I fucking refuse to let Marcy get the staff leader position that I've worked hard all summer to get. I don't give a rat's putootie if her dad's the general manager, she can suck on some failure 'cause Mary Alice Brandon's going home with employee of the month this go-round!"
Jasper looked up and blinked. He hadn't heard a word she said as his attention was on her tits and not on whatever the hell she was spewing. He knew her name was Alice -per her perfectly placed boob level nametag- but that was about it. Actually, he knew something else... "And you would love to suck on some kinky, extra-large meaty sausage with a tall southern?" At least, that what he got out of their brief conversation.
Alice blinked at the guy and was immediately enraged. Who the hell said shit like that? And he was grabbing at his crotch and everything! It was like he had no filter or something. Like he had a brain issue and couldn't help himself. What did they call it? Turrets? Ferrets? Whatever the fuck it was, he had to be one crazy fucker!
Seriously, though! Who said shit like that? Maybe he was a little slow or something. She immediately felt bad. She was so quick to jump to the perv conclusion that she ruled out the possibility that he was mentally handicapped. Poor baby. She pouted up at him with bright shining brown eyes as she struggled for a response. What were you supposed to say to people with Terrier-ets? Oh! She knew! Agree with them and try to placate them.
"Totally," she nodded almost solemnly, not quite finished beating herself up over the fact that she as mentally making fun of the retarded.
That was all the confirmation Jasper's lust clouded mind needed to hear as he made to ripe Alice into the house. He was momentarily at a loss, not sure whether to toss the food aside or take it with them to his bedroom. His grandmother made the decision for him as she walked into the foyer holding thirty dollars to pay the pizza delivery person and asked what the two crazy kids were up to.
Jasper was quick on his toes with a response. "Alice is new to the area and needs a book for school Monday. Marcy took hers by accident." He didn't know why Marcy seemed like an important name, but fuck it. He needed to bust a nut -Right. The. Fuck. Now!- and if his grandmother didn't leave them be, she was going to get the show of a lifetime.
Sensing the panic in her grandson's voice while he gripped the hand of the lovely pizza girl, Jasper's grandmother grabbed the pizza and shooed the kids upstairs. She figured her grandson was trying to impress the young lady by showing her how up to date his schoolwork was and what a genius he would be if she ever needed a tutor. After all, he was her little shining star.
His bedroom door wasn't even shut all the way before Jasper was all shredding Alice's clothes off because he couldn't stand to have them in his way anymore. He was all hot and bothered, his dick never being as hard as it was in that moment. "Look, girl. I'm trying to get down and dirty all up on that snatch. It's looking mighty tasty." Jasper licked his lips.
Alice was stunned silent all this time, but she couldn't deny how wet and sticky her pussy was getting over this guy's words. Instead of speaking, she ran a finger through her musky juices and trailed it over his lips, causing both of them to groan because it was so hot and they were both seventeen and had never witnessed anything so sexy.
Jasper couldn't take it any more. He flipped Alice over and with a loud triumphant laugh said, "Bitch, I'ma put it in your butt!"
"No! Yes!…No! Yes!" Alice was so turned on she didn't know what to do! Her pussy was so leaky and drippy, making her head all hazy with clouds of lust and 'this-shit-is-so-crazy-and-stupid-and-I-don't-even-know-this-dude's-name-but-fuck-he's-damn-sexy-so-resposibility-doesn't-matter.'
Jasper couldn't figure out what she meant. It was really starting to tick him off. He made a decision then and didn't care if Alice was indecisive anymore. He powered up his big, veiny, triumphant bastard of a cock and slammed into that butt. He then proceeded to spew arcing ropes of jizzum all up in her anal cavity, pulled out, and went to sleep.
Alice kneeled there on all fours and had no idea what had just happened. Was it over? Seriously? She must have blacked-out, her orgasm hit her so hard. Alice had to say that she was kind of disappointed because she blacked it out. But she had totally obviously come all squirty-like -she thinks- so it was totally worth it, right?
Instead of pondering how this guy just made her come until she jumped a time/space continuum, she went to sleep.
And they lived happily ever after in Jasper's grandma's basement because Alice ended up pregnant because they didn't use a condom and all the jizz leaked into Alice's vagina hole while they were snoring, grandma and pizza forgotten and cold downstairs in the kitchen.
The End.
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A/N: Yeah...sooo...lemme know what you think! And don't forget to read the other entries popping up all over FFn. Check out teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com for the complete info.
~Tay
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