To Love a Pixie by TheManiacalMuse

8==D~ ~ ~

 

A/N: This is an entry for the Pineapple Awards, hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight. Total crackfic. Not serious business at all. For serious.
NOTE: A pineapple is the worst of the worst lemons. Like, bad. 'Streaming ribbons of cum' bad. Yeah, you heard me.
Also, Twilight's not mine. Not even sure I want to claim ownership of this o_O

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8==D~ ~ ~

"Come on-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, Jazzy," Alice whined.

Jasper looked at her and grimaced. She couldn't be serious. "You can't be serious," he said.

"Yes I can ... and I am. Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase put these on?"

Jasper shook his head vehemently. "No. Absolutely not."

"Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase?"

"No."

"PLEA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ASE?"

"NO."

Alice's lip turned down into a quivery pout. "Please?" she asked softly, her elfin eyes shining brightly with soon-to-be-shed tears. Her tiny hands held out the offending ... things toward him. Jasper couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge what they were.

"For the last time, NO. No way in hell am I putting those on."

Alice's sad pout turned indignant. "That's not fair!" she exclaimed, punctuating her outrage with a stomp of her miniature foot. "I did 'maiden in distress' for you, Major Whitlock. So now you have to return the favour."

"Fuck me," Jasper groaned. He knew playing out that little fantasy of his would come back to bite him in the ass. "Don't make me do this, Ali. I'll never live it down."

"Oh, hush. No one's going to know but us."

"Exactly. I'll know. That in itself is bad enough. If anyone else ever found out I'd be forced to dig a hole, climb into it, and set fire to myself." He started to imagine the looks on his teammates' faces as they gawked at illicit pictures of him plastered all over the locker room walls. No. No, that could never happen. He was NOT doing this. "I'm not doing this," he said adamantly.

Alice's lips began to quiver again and this time a tear trickled down her cheek. She flopped down to the floor, the sparkly wings on her back flapping a few times as she leaned forward with her face in her hands. "You don't love me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" she wailed, sobbing and sniffling dramatically.

"God have mercy..." Jasper mumbled, scrubbing his own hands over his face and hoping that when he opened his eyes again this would all just be a really, really bad dream.

He did – it wasn't. "Motherfucker," he muttered to himself.

Jasper cringed as Alice's wailing grew louder. She was quickly reaching uncharted heights of hysteria – a blubbering pile of pitiful pixie at his feet. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do it already! Just stop crying!" he yelped, hands now over his ears.

Alice's head popped up immediately, her eyes dry and gleaming in victory. "Yay-y-y-y-y-y!" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet and breaking into a bouncing clap. Her wings shook violently as she began to twirl and dance with happiness. Jasper couldn't help but wonder what the fuck he saw in this insane little sprite.

"Here you go!" she shrieked excitedly, thrusting the... the... the things at him.

Jasper closed his eyes as he raised ... them ... to the sides of his head. He couldn't believe he was doing this. No amount of hot, wet, cock-hugging vag could possibly be worth the humiliation.

"Oh my God-d-d-d-d-d, you look perfect!" Alice exclaimed. "Come on ... come see!"

He reluctantly let her drag him across their bedroom to the full length mirror on the back of the door, keeping his eyes clenched shut for as long as he possibly could.

"Look, Jazzy!" Alice demanded.

Jasper forced himself to open one eye and take in their reflection. There they were, standing side by side – her rainbow-coloured gauzy dress; sparkling, glittery wings; and soft, knee-high brown boots perfectly complimented by his ... ears.

Yes. Jasper Whitlock, star quarterback for his college football team and legacy to his family's long line of war heroes, was standing beside his imp of a girlfriend wearing a pair of pointed, plastic elf ears. He wanted to die.

"Mmmmm," Alice hummed, running her hand up and down his chest. "You're so hot right now."

Hot enough to burst into flames and not have to go through with this? Jasper wondered. He made one final attempt at saving his dwindling manliness. "Fuck, Ali. Please do not make me do this."

"Hush, you," she whispered, her hand now moving over his junk. He had no idea how she expected him to get hard when he looked and felt like a complete assclown. "Let's go make love under the heart tree."

Jasper barely managed to not roll his eyes as Alice led him by the hand to the huge construction-paper tree she'd taped to the wall. A blanket of fake grass was spread out on the floor beneath it, silk flower heads scattered all around, and there was a family of stuffed squirrels – mother, father, two kids and a tiny little baby – sitting off to the side. They stared at him; their black, beady eyes ready to watch as he committed the ultimate act of emasculation.

Alice was busy removing his pants as he stood frozen in horror, pushing them down his legs with his boxers and urging him to lift his feet. Jasper did so without even realizing it, and she pulled his socks off too, tossing his last few pieces of 'normal' across the room.

He snapped out of his stupor when she began to fasten a wide, fabric belt around his waist, complete with a thin plastic sword hanging from it. "Ohhh, no. No, no, no! The ears were one thing... I am not dressing up like Peter Pan."

"Don't be silly," Alice scoffed, her trilling laugh echoing off the walls and piercing straight into Jasper's brain. "You're not Peter Pan ... you're Leezolar – King of the Elves of Singshire!"

Jasper could only blink at her, wondering if maybe she had escaped from an asylum before he met her.

"And I'm Alantricia, your Queen," she continued, sounding more and more crazy by the second.

"Alan-who?"

"A–lan–tree–see–a. Your Queen. Our people are waiting for us to consummate; our love-liquids are what keep the earth fertile so we can grow and thrive among the trees."

Now he knew she was crazy. Bonkers. One nut short a jar of almonds. Totally bat-shit insane.

"Alice..."

She put a finger to his lips. "Alantricia...

"And be silent, my sweet elf-king. The time has come for us to fulfill our duty and bring prosperity to our people through our lust. Now lie on the Altar of the Mother's Heart – she will be with us as we perform this public act of worshipful passion."

Jasper assumed she meant the blanket of fake, prickly grass and grudgingly laid down on his back, his mind in a daze as the words 'love-liquids', 'mother', and 'public act' swam through his brain. He had never been so turned off in his life.

"Okay ... wait there!" Alice squeaked enthusiastically. She bounded to the closet and rummaged around in some boxes, eventually returning with an armful of Barbie dolls.

What the fuck? thought Jasper. This whole situation just kept going from bad to worse and impossibly more worse.

With great trepidation he looked closer as Alice began sitting the little dolls along the edge of the ... altar, noticing with an inward groan that they were dressed as tiny little elves – right down to their pointed hats and belted tunics.

"Ready!" she announced, and in a flash she was straddling his waist, her ripped and tattered multicoloured dress tickling his sides as she swayed and gyrated atop him.

They weren't actually having sex ... and yet Alice was moaning loudly, raising her arms to the ceiling and chanting in some bizarre language. "Yaya yeeky yee! Yaya yeeky yee! Dunlaka, moonlaka, leeky leeky lee-e-e-e-e-e!"

Leaky what now? Jasper wondered in confusion. He was actually starting to be genuinely worried for Alice's sanity. First she came up with this whole freak show, and now she was speaking complete gibberish – the girl was out of her God damned mind.

Alice's eyes snapped open and she stared at him intensely, her chest heaving with every breath. "It's time," she said profoundly, reaching down between them and gripping his solid cock. He had no idea when or how the fuck he had gotten hard, but somehow – miraculously – he was.

Before Jasper could blink he was deep in Alice's hot kitty, their ... love-liquids making squishy, slurping noises as she bounced furiously against his hips. "Leezolar!" she cried. "Leezolar, my king! Spill your man-seed so we may fertilize the earth!"

As disturbingly fucked up as the whole thing was, Jasper couldn't help but respond to the stimulus she was placing upon him. He gripped her hips tightly, practically lifting her off his body and slamming her back down with every tight stroke her yaya made on his cock.

Wait a minute, he suddenly realized after using the term unconsciously. Was that what she was calling out about earlier? Was her snatch a 'yaya' – making him ... the 'leaky'? What the motherfuck was this chick on?

Apparently it didn't matter, because he could feel the heat building in the groin as his ... man-seed prepared to ... spill.

"Say my name!" Alice shrieked. "Say my name as we give birth to another year of prosperity to these lands!"

"Alan... Alan..." Jasper grunted, momentarily horrified that he was calling a man's name during sex, but he just couldn't remember the ridiculous moniker she had given herself. "Alan-n-n-n-n..."

"Alantricia! Alantricia!" she cried out, bouncing so furiously he was a little afraid his dick would slip out and get bent in half by a hard downward thrust.

Jasper quickly forgot all about that though, as he suddenly came harder than he ever had, his leaky spilling his man-seed into her yaya. "Alantricia-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

Alice collapsed on top of him, quivering in her own aftermath of release as he laid there in stunned silence. He could still feel the warmth of orgasm tickling his groin, tiny waves of climax ebbing and flowing within him. What the fuck just happened? he wondered frantically.

"Mmmmm. Jazzy, that was amazing," Alice mumbled against his chest. "Thank you so much for letting me have that. And because I love you and know how much you love me back, I promise you never have to do it again."

Never? thought Jasper, the tingly goodness he felt continuing to flow within him. He really wasn't sure about that. His girlfriend might be a fucked up, elf-fantasizing, screaming pixie mental patient – but...

He was kind of starting to like these ears.

8==D~ ~ ~

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A/N2: *snort* Yeah – there's a couple hours of my life I'll never get back...
I hope I least got a few laughs for my efforts. Review if you want :)