The Pineapple Awards! The Best of the Worst Lemons!

We've all read them...
We've all tweeted about them...
Now it's time to write one...

That's right bitches, you heard me right.  Give me your Hot Streaming Ribbons of Cum.
Bella Flan and I will be judging this little experiment in insanity and I'm hoping you will give us something spectacular!

• This is intended to be a drabble contests, so apx 500-1500 words (I made it longer for you wordy writers *cough*LeeLator*cough*).
• NO PLAGIARISM.  The intention of this is to write your own ridiculous lemon NOT to make fun of anyone's writing.  If I find out that's happening I will beat you with Shatner's Schlong.
• Stories are due April 15th by midnight, just like your taxes.  Email me the link at ff.net OR the doc at TBagTwilight @ gmail
• 18 and over ONLY please
• BETAs are preferred but not required.

What's that?  Who's that in the back there...?  What are you asking?  Ohhh you don't know what a Pineapple is?  Well, it's the worst, more ridiculous, most unsexy lemon you can imagine.  I'm talking IKEA Erotica (insert tab A into tab B), something worth of being posted on The Weeping Cock, or perhaps something Jean M. Auel would have written.

You'd like some examples?  Well sure, I can do that!
Some of these are from fanfic (non-Twilight), some are real books, one is from Bill O'Reilly's book and, one actually one an award for worst sex in literature from The Literary Review!  Can you guess which is which??

• "And then he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it"
• "Battler thrusted his penis one last time and he came. She came too. Then they flew down to the ground."
• "Battler put his penis in her clitoris."
• "no force at his disposal could stop the flood of semen that roared it way up his length." this one's my favorite!
• "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."
• "I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!" 
• "His stiffness into her wetness"
• 'They fucked all night'
• "he glided in liquid smooth"
• 'Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.' ok I take it back, this one might be my favorite! 
  
• "shove your eggplant up to my ribcage!"
• "Just when I think it can’t get any more intense, Mabel plunges her arm into me well past her wrist..."
• "It felt so good when I did it with my penis" 

Got the idea now?  I'm looking forward to what atrocities you come up with!  So get writing!