Wipeout by up2late

Wipeout by up2late

A/N: Entry for The Pineapple Awards: Best of the Worst Lemons

Jake POV

The second I saw Nessa I wanted to get the drop on her. My brain was still speaking surfer from hours before when I had been squeezed into a wetsuit, riding the swell. And now my board was stiff just thinking about riding the Gidget in front of me.

The bed was behind me, dressed in little more than a fitted sheet. Nessa was in front of me, dressed in little more than a fitted tee. She'd shimmied out of her shorts and I could see her round, pink Necco wafer nipples through her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. Suddenly my funboard became a longboard.

As she stepped closer to me I couldn't quite decide where I wanted to put my penis. Somewhere hot and warm and there were at least three options in front of me. Leaning in to kiss me, Nessa effectively took away one option. I liked surfing the backdoor but it was a little hard to reach from here, so I'd have to settle for door number two. My penis seemed happy with that. It just wanted to be put somewhere. Hell, it had settled for a Snapple bottle once. Almost anything was better than that. Except for a Coke bottle. Trust me.

Nessa's hands worked my zipper down. I shimmied my butt a little in the only dance move I'd ever learned, managing to slip my jeans and boxers down to my thighs. The riptide that is my hands tore her panties off and I was ready to carve in. My penis bobbed in place, waving hello to its target destination. Luckily my back pants pocket hadn't gone too far, that's where the condom was. Once my longboard was outfitted, I was ready to go.

Poking in, I took Nessa's weight in my arms so I didn't have to lower my pants any further. She lifted off of me, my penis popping out of her. I thrust up, my head just making it in.

Hello again, Vagina, pleasure seeing you again. Oops! Be right back!

And I was out again. Nessa teased me, slipping only low enough to take just an inch in each time.

Peek-a-boo Vagina! Guess who?

Peek-a-boo Vagina! Me again! Penis!

My penis continued to play hide'n'seek with her vagina for at least a minute. That was long enough for me. Sliding one hand up to the back of her shoulders, I pulled her down as I pushed up, finally getting all the way in. That's when she started breathing loudly in my ear. The sound reminded me of something. The ocean.

Tumbling, roaring waves. The sound pulled me under and my penis in its wet suit surfed her vagina. Like the gnarly waves with dangerous undercurrents that hollowed out coves along the coast, my little surfer man had found his own perfect hole.

My crotch was started to chaff and I was immediately thankful that my penis was outfitted properly. The gasps and pants coming from Nessa called to me again and I jacked my penis into the barrel of a wave that was her vagina. Her body crashed and swirled around me and I was caught inside. It only took seconds before, just like earlier today, I wiped out. Spurting and squirting, I was thankful that I didn't get nearly as wet this time as I had in the ocean. Condoms were the best wetsuit ever.

Continuing my instant replay from the beach, my knees buckled and my ass bounced onto the bed behind me. At least it was more comfortable than sand. Laying back, I vaguely felt Nessa roll off of me. Waves rolled over me again and again until finally the sound of the ocean faded away. I turned to look at my beautiful, sweaty girl and could only think of one thing to say.

"Dude, that was bitchin'."

End A/N: Leave me your reviews, let me know what you think! For anyone wondering about The Walmart Saga... it will continue! Thanks!

The Fur Burger Meets Two Jive Sausages by PantsAreForLosers, ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37

The Fur Burger Meets Two Jive Sausages by PantsAreForLosers, ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37

Disclaimer: We don't own the twilight saga or the characters and plots found therein.
Summary: Bella is forty. She's desperate. Her two gay bff's want to help her out.
Word Count: 1541
Author's Note: This collaborate effort, between ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37, is an entry for the Pineapple awards. Just so you know, the term "pineapple" refers to the worst lemon imaginable. So, yeah, this is terrible. To see all entries for the contest, visit teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com Also, this story contains slash, adult situations, and a really disgusting threesome between Bella, Edward and Carlisle.

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Opening the door, Bella took in the room. In the corner, a heart shape jacuzzi happily bubbled. Towards the middle of the room resided a king-sized bed, a machine next to it proclaiming "$.25 For Fifteen Minutes of Vibration!"
It was the classiest hotel room she had ever seen.
Turning to Carlisle, she smiled in earnest, and he placed a hand lightly on her cheek, brushing her bushy, out of control mop of brown hair away from her eyes. Carlisle gazed into her chocolaty orbs of perfection, framed by her pale fleshy face, and felt not even the slightest bit of desire stir in his loins. Nope, his red helmeted love warrior was infuriatingly flaccid.
Carlisle had no interest in Bella's nether lips or 'playing the slots' as it were. The only thing he truly desired, completely craved and dreamt of, was Edward's jive sausage. Just thinking of that man, his strong, corded muscles rippling as he pushed his beautiful round globes until they were flush with Carlisle's hips made the blond man groan. Bella mistook his reaction.
"Not long now, Carlisle," Bella said, rubbing her hands over her minuscule breasts and licking her lips. The paisley muumuu she wore shifted gently with her movements, her open-toed Dr. Scholl's sandals revealing her curling toes. Carlisle swallowed.
Edward chose that moment to show, pulling a large suitcase behind him, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Bella's cheeks flamed and she ceased her gyrating, looking down at her feet.
"This suitcase weighs a ton!" Edward exclaimed, throwing it on the bed. Promptly, something began vibrating.
"Edward," Carlisle chided. "You set off the bed."
Edward furrowed his perfect brow-even an expression of confusion made him look like some kind of bewildered Adonis. "No, it's Bella's suitcase," he said, beginning to unzip it as Bella rushed to his side.
"Stop!" Bella exclaimed, but it was too late.
A look of horror crossed Edward's face as he took in the assortment of toys and implements contained within Bella's suitcase. He quickly found the offending object-a gold-colored vibrator aptly named the "Bangin' Beaver." Thoughts of Bella's beaver immediately made his cum tube practically recoil into his body. He dropped the vibrator back into the suitcase, wiping his now tainted hand on his neatly pressed khakis.
"What is all this stuff?" Carlisle asked, wondering if Bella would be offended if he and Edward borrowed her red rubber whip. The image of his cock sliding and pumping into Edward's hot, tight ass as he smacked him with the whip made Carlisle's rectum rooter start to stir. He and Edward never really got into the kinky stuff much-well, unless handcuffs, ball gags, and nipple clamps were considered kinky.
"I said I was a virgin, not that I didn't like to jill off. I thought this stuff might be fun." Bella's eyes became hooded and she rubbed her thighs together. Both men knew she did this because of the rustling of her control top panty hose that made her sound like a giant cricket. "One of you get in me now! Forty years with no meat mallet is long enough."
Edward sighed. It was true; Bella was forty and her hymen was still in tact. He looked at his partner Carlisle, so beautiful, loving and caring, and he pondered how terrible life would be without the meat enema that Carlisle dealt him daily, sometimes twice. No matter how unpleasant the task before him might seem, Edward was determined to help his frumpy friend discard her maidenhood. The two men looked at each other and gave a resolute nod.
"Bella," Edward began, "take off your clothes."
Several minutes later, after Bella had carefully removed her cat's eye glasses and placed them in a case, put in contact lenses, shed her sandals and removed her girdle, peeled off her panty hose, shimmied out of her muumuu, sashayed out of her Playtex cross-your-heart bra, and hooked her thumbs into her parachute panties, Bella was almost naked.
"Are you guys ready?" she asked, trying to sound breathy but actually sounding asthmatic. Carlisle and Edward held onto each other tightly and nodded.
Bella slid the underwear down her legs slowly, revealing a lustrous mound of flowing tendrils. The tresses that protruded from her pelvis were flowing, frizzy, and delicately curly. They reached out towards her thighs-which glistened with her slut juice-and billowed in the slight breeze from the A/C unit that hummed merrily in the background. Then, the delicate cadence stopped.
The room was as silent as death.
Edward wept and buried his face in the crook of Carlisle's neck.
"I know," Bella whispered. "I feel it, too."
"Go lie on the bed, Bella," Carlisle said. Bella swiftly complied, sprawling out spread eagle, her fur burger displayed for all to see. She reached down and spread apart her beef curtains, revealing her heat, her center, her pulsating motherboard of femininity.
Edward turned to Carlisle and whispered, "I don't know if I can. Oh, god, Carlisle, she has a vagina. Just look at it. It looks so mean."
"Shhh," Carlisle shushed, kissing away the worried lines on Edward's forehead. "This is about Bella, not us. It'll be over soon enough." Edward steadied himself, lips in a straight line, and he walked over to Bella's suitcase. He closed his eyes and grabbed the first thing he could find.
"Oh, Billy!" Bella purred when she saw the toy that Edward brought to her. Edward and Carlisle both looked at the black rod, reading the sparkly lettering that proclaimed 'BILLY THE BUTTPLUG.' "Oh, Edward, fill my tight ass with a gorgeous, impersonal piece of rubber!"
Without further prelude, Edward directed Carlisle to hold up Bella's leg and spread her milky globes while Edward rammed the joy stick past Bella's tight ring of muscle and turned it on high. Because everyone knows that assholes are self lubricating. Bella shouted at the pleasure of it and began rubbing her sensitive mound, bits of chocolate from the candy bar she consumed on the ride over standing out clearly on her hands against the pale pink of her woman parts.
Carlisle grabbed Edward-completely turned on by the merciless way Edward pounded Bella with Billy-and kissed him with bruising force. The two men ripped off each others clothes, releasing their veiny, straining cocks. Bella groaned at the sight of their throbbing members, each one a full ten inches. Oh, how beautiful they were; two steel rods swathed in inches of man flesh, purple heads weeping salty seed.
"Please take my temperature with your %100 all beef thermometers!" Bella screamed.
Carlisle trailed his hands down Edward's chest, admiring the sprinkling of sparse, bronze hair that led to his family jewels. He took Edward's diamond-hard cock in his hand, pumping him furiously.
"It's time to pick Bella's special flower," he whispered into Edward's ear, the scent of his Orbitz gum wafting into Edward's nostrils. Carlisle always did have a dirty mouth.
Edward turned to face Bella again, watching as her sweet lady cream ran down her thighs and dripped from her juicy bits. Bella continued to flick her love button, her fingers pumping in and out of her curly curtains.
"Oh, Edward. Please, please put your purple-headed yogurt slinger in my whisker biscuit."
Grabbing her thighs, Edward pulled Bella closer, tugging Billy from her ass as he prepared to guide his glorious mayonnaise launcher into her juice box. The thought of sticking his skin flute in an actual pussy was too much for Edward, however. His magic wand began to shrivel and deflate like a pin-pricked balloon.
Knowing Edward couldn't do this alone, Carlisle spread Edward's cheeks apart and rammed his cream stick into Edward's corn hole. Edward felt the fire racing through his loins as Carlisle continued to ram it home. Approaching Bella once more, Edward guided his skin flute into her, only he missed her hair pie, hitting the Hershey Highway instead.
Bella screamed with pleasure, her twin peaks heaving as she began to move against Edward's meat hook. She moaned and squealed like a little pig, pinching her nipples with her chubby fingers. Her forehead was covered in sweat, her frizzy hair stuck to it. She was breathing loudly through her open mouth, her shuttering breaths the only accompaniment to the sound of slapping skin.
"Holy shit, Edward!" Bella shouted. "Whitewash my back porch while Carlisle fucks you with his Kentucky Telescope."
"How do you like plowing Bella's field while I plumb your bottomless pit of passion?" Carlisle asked Edward, causing the spam of the sandwich to groan.
"!" Edward whispered.
"We're going to cum!" They all shouted.
A cry rent the air like none had ever heard as Bella, Carlisle and Edward exploded in a sticky mess of virile seed. The two men had never released such a thick, continuous load as they did; the proof was found in the brown tinged semen that trickled down in creamy rivulets on Edward and Bella's thighs. It was glorious.
They collapsed on the bed, the sounds of love farts the only percussion to their heavy breathing.
"Uh, guys," Bella said, parting the sea of brown hair in her face. "I still have my hymen."
"Damn it," replied Carlisle and Edward in unison.

Exposure by TheMightyRen

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Manna of Meat Lovers' by reluctantreader

The Pineapple Awards! The Best of the Worst Lemons Contest

Title: Manna of Meat Lovers'

Author: reluctantreader

Beta: Ha! Like anyone would touch this! *lol*

Word Count: 1,476

Rated: 'Mature' because it uses words like 'drippy pussy' and 'cocktastical' (actually it doesn't, but this is a lemon contest, duh!)

Disclaimer: If Stephenie wrote this, I think Twilight would be a whole different kind of saga. And she's probably be banned in all fifty states.

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Author's Note: I just wanted to do this because it sounded ridiculous and a lot of my favorite author's were entering. I decided, 'Eh, why not?' So, here you have it, the awfulness that is a pineapple!

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"Come on, Jazzy. You know you want it," Jess crooned into the phone. She'd been lucky enough to get the Jasper Dick Special and she was hungry for a second serving. Her fingers tickled the layers of her overheated sex just thinking about the delectable dick he offered her a little over a month ago. Oooh! She was sopping wet.

"Hmm," Jasper answered noncommittally into his cell as he zoned out and thought about his life. It had been weeks -fucking weeks- since he had seen a vag. He was aching, positively dieing to get balls deep into something. Sadly, he had exhausted all the available pussy within the Forks town limits. He hated to screw the same ol' tail over and over again, but he had little choice. Now, he was forced to walk around with perpetual wood while has-been pussy tried to rub all over him. He couldn't even get off to Jess Stanley talking dirty into the phone. He was naked and everything! It should have been easy!

"Mmm, yeah," Jessica's soft whimpers brought Jasper back to the present phone... uh ...conversation. They both knew she was laying it on a little thick. But hey, it was worth a shot. Not so much for Jasper though, if his flaccid cock was any indication.

Jasper sighed heavy and closed his phone, leaving Jessica to her business. He peeked at his dick again and couldn't stop his lips from pouting. His poor, poor, lonely cock. He petted it a little.

Nope, nothing.

Jasper sighed as he shook his head. His dick was a travesty.

He was slightly pulled from his self-dick-precation by the sound of his doorbell ringing and the answering shout of his grandmother, telling him to get his lazy ass up and answer the damn door. Sluggishly, he pulled some sweats over his cock before making his way to the front downstairs.

What greeted him when he opened the door was a dark haired angel. No, she was a pocket sized vision. No! She was manna from the heavens of sexy and delicious! She was a savior, a provider, a gift from the gods. She was everything he could ever want, wrapped in black, slightly baggy Dickey pants and an ugly red polo, only tucked-in in the front. The goddess was also wearing a matching red and black visor, showcasing her spiky black hair in all its fuckable glory. Oh yes, she could get it.

And if that wasn't enough, the next words out of her mouth sealed their fate as lovers and caused Jasper to groan aloud.

"One extra-large 'Meat Lovers' pizza with extra sausage, one tall southern sweet tea with lemon, and an order of 'Kinky Twists' cinnamon sticks."

The vixen said more, Jasper was sure of it, but he couldn't get past the words "extra-large meat lover," "sausage," and "kinky twists." Surely, she was trying to tell him something.

"You- Who are you?" Jasper rasped out, suddenly feeling choked up that the gods decided to gift him such a beauty. And she showed up baring food too! This was fated.

"Umm..." The girl was taken off guard by the hottie with the southern accent whom decided to answer his door shirtless and sock-less and underwear-less (she could definitely tell!), but quickly composed herself. "I'm Alice, the Pizza Hut delivery girl," And because the guy just stared at her all weird and blankly, she rambled some more. "I usually work at the Pizza Hut out in Sequin, but Forks was short a driver and they're giving me a bonus for this and I fucking refuse to let Marcy get the staff leader position that I've worked hard all summer to get. I don't give a rat's putootie if her dad's the general manager, she can suck on some failure 'cause Mary Alice Brandon's going home with employee of the month this go-round!"

Jasper looked up and blinked. He hadn't heard a word she said as his attention was on her tits and not on whatever the hell she was spewing. He knew her name was Alice -per her perfectly placed boob level nametag- but that was about it. Actually, he knew something else... "And you would love to suck on some kinky, extra-large meaty sausage with a tall southern?" At least, that what he got out of their brief conversation.

Alice blinked at the guy and was immediately enraged. Who the hell said shit like that? And he was grabbing at his crotch and everything! It was like he had no filter or something. Like he had a brain issue and couldn't help himself. What did they call it? Turrets? Ferrets? Whatever the fuck it was, he had to be one crazy fucker!

Seriously, though! Who said shit like that? Maybe he was a little slow or something. She immediately felt bad. She was so quick to jump to the perv conclusion that she ruled out the possibility that he was mentally handicapped. Poor baby. She pouted up at him with bright shining brown eyes as she struggled for a response. What were you supposed to say to people with Terrier-ets? Oh! She knew! Agree with them and try to placate them.

"Totally," she nodded almost solemnly, not quite finished beating herself up over the fact that she as mentally making fun of the retarded.

That was all the confirmation Jasper's lust clouded mind needed to hear as he made to ripe Alice into the house. He was momentarily at a loss, not sure whether to toss the food aside or take it with them to his bedroom. His grandmother made the decision for him as she walked into the foyer holding thirty dollars to pay the pizza delivery person and asked what the two crazy kids were up to.

Jasper was quick on his toes with a response. "Alice is new to the area and needs a book for school Monday. Marcy took hers by accident." He didn't know why Marcy seemed like an important name, but fuck it. He needed to bust a nut -Right. The. Fuck. Now!- and if his grandmother didn't leave them be, she was going to get the show of a lifetime.

Sensing the panic in her grandson's voice while he gripped the hand of the lovely pizza girl, Jasper's grandmother grabbed the pizza and shooed the kids upstairs. She figured her grandson was trying to impress the young lady by showing her how up to date his schoolwork was and what a genius he would be if she ever needed a tutor. After all, he was her little shining star.

His bedroom door wasn't even shut all the way before Jasper was all shredding Alice's clothes off because he couldn't stand to have them in his way anymore. He was all hot and bothered, his dick never being as hard as it was in that moment. "Look, girl. I'm trying to get down and dirty all up on that snatch. It's looking mighty tasty." Jasper licked his lips.

Alice was stunned silent all this time, but she couldn't deny how wet and sticky her pussy was getting over this guy's words. Instead of speaking, she ran a finger through her musky juices and trailed it over his lips, causing both of them to groan because it was so hot and they were both seventeen and had never witnessed anything so sexy.

Jasper couldn't take it any more. He flipped Alice over and with a loud triumphant laugh said, "Bitch, I'ma put it in your butt!"

"No! Yes!…No! Yes!" Alice was so turned on she didn't know what to do! Her pussy was so leaky and drippy, making her head all hazy with clouds of lust and 'this-shit-is-so-crazy-and-stupid-and-I-don't-even-know-this-dude's-name-but-fuck-he's-damn-sexy-so-resposibility-doesn't-matter.'

Jasper couldn't figure out what she meant. It was really starting to tick him off. He made a decision then and didn't care if Alice was indecisive anymore. He powered up his big, veiny, triumphant bastard of a cock and slammed into that butt. He then proceeded to spew arcing ropes of jizzum all up in her anal cavity, pulled out, and went to sleep.

Alice kneeled there on all fours and had no idea what had just happened. Was it over? Seriously? She must have blacked-out, her orgasm hit her so hard. Alice had to say that she was kind of disappointed because she blacked it out. But she had totally obviously come all squirty-like -she thinks- so it was totally worth it, right?

Instead of pondering how this guy just made her come until she jumped a time/space continuum, she went to sleep.

And they lived happily ever after in Jasper's grandma's basement because Alice ended up pregnant because they didn't use a condom and all the jizz leaked into Alice's vagina hole while they were snoring, grandma and pizza forgotten and cold downstairs in the kitchen.

The End.

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A/N: Yeah...sooo...lemme know what you think! And don't forget to read the other entries popping up all over FFn. Check out teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com for the complete info.
~Tay

Crispy by Jackie K Paper

Crispy
AN: This is my entry for The Pineapple Awards – The Best of the Worst Lemons. The goal is to write a bad/ridiculous/unsexy lemon. This is my ridiculousness. It may have a high gross-out factor . . . or not . . . I guess it depends on your taste in fics.
Disclaimer: As always, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.

TPOV
"Fucking do it already! Why are you wussing-out on me now? It's not like we haven't done anything like this before. Will you fucking put it in me already! I want to feel you put it in me, hard and crispy, baby. Hard and crispy!"
Crispy? Was that supposed to turn me on? Does someone somewhere think this shit qualifies as dirty talk? Maybe I should seriously rethink going out with Lauren. She's got to be fucking thoroughly disturbed if she thinks this does anything for me.
Of course, pathetically, she's right, it wasn't like we hadn't done anything like this before. But this? No, not fucking this.
Maybe we were moving too fast. Maybe we needed to slow down and work up to this. Does that mean that I'm a pussy? No, fuck that, I'm all man!
But fuck, this is too much, there has to be a line even for her. Doesn't there? I mean, she actually wanted me to do this? To thrust in, out, in and out, over and over, and fucking over again? She wanted this? Aren't you supposed to work up to this little by little? Like take it by steps or something? My finger, then maybe two fingers or three, my tongue, my cock, maybe a little fisting. But skipping to this! When we've only made it like part way through that list? What the fuck?
Seriously, I'm going where no man has gone before, and no man should ever fucking go, ever! At least not like this! Again I ask; what the fuck?

~~OoO~~

LPOV
"Please baby, please. I need it. I want it. I have to have it. Give it to me. Now, baby. Please, baby, please. I'm ready. I'm so ready."
Maybe if I sound all needy he'll fucking do it already. Why does Tyler have to be the biggest fucking pussy-ass boyfriend? He knew we were working up to this. Fuck, I've purposely made the effort to go slow. I wanted this the first fucking time! Haven't we done enough of the little stuff already?
I started him with baby carrot fingers. We worked our way up through celery sticks. Ah, the celery stick; fuck that snap sound it made when it broke… now that was a melody.
Last week when he pumped me with the cucumber while he lightly dusted my clit with the parsley, that was just, wow, I don't think I've ever cum so hard. There were like stars in my eyes, and fireworks and just, wow. I pressed that parsley between two pieces of glass, framed it and put it on the wall above my bed.
And afterwards, when Tyler took a bite out of the cucumber that was dripping with my woman juice, goose bumps. Fucking goose bumps.
Now he fucking wimps-out on me. It's not like we're using a cauliflower. A large, hard, round, fresh cauliflower. Now that would take some pushing, some force, some muscle. Just thinking about the potential of the colossal cauliflower is making me ooze with desire.
No, right now, we're working with a big purple eggplant, an aubergine, a thing of beauty. Not as big and hard as a cauliflower, but thick and long. I bet it would make that crispy snap sound if it broke.
"Please baby, please. You can use a little of the heating strawberry lube if you want. Please, please. I want it. You know you want to do it to me."
~~OoO~~
TPOV
She's fucking begging. I love it when she begs. Why can't she fucking beg for my cock instead? I can do this. I can do this for her. Maybe if I do this she'll let me do what I want. I'm not fucking asking, I'm just going to do it.
"Here it comes baby. You feel that? You feel me pushing it inside of you?" How could she not, it's fucking huge.
"Yeah like that. Like that."
"I'm going to go slow, baby, real slow. I'm going to move you a little so I can feel you writhe on my lap. Okay baby?" And another slow pump with the fucking vegetable. "Okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. Please, please."
Now that's where I want her. Now just a little more strawberry shit on my cock and I'll fucking slide it in the back door. She wants hers? Well, I'm getting mine.
"Ouch, fuck. What the hell are you doing, Tyler? I didn't say you could fucking do that."
"Come on, baby. I'll go slow. Feel the eggplant pumping you slowly? And when I've almost pulled it out, I'm just going to slide my cock into you, just like that. See how filled you are? There's always something in you. You feel my stiff shaft? You feel it? Now I'm going to pull my cock out nice and slow and slide that eggplant right back into you. You like that baby? You like that?"
"Oh my fuck, Oh my fuck. Yes. Yes. I do. I fucking do."
Damn it's hard to get my cock in there with that fucking vegetable in the way. If it was a bit smaller I could maybe move it a little faster or shove it further into her to get it out of my fucking way. Wait, that's it. I'll push that shit further into her. I'll do it hard. See how much she really fucking likes it. Maybe I'll get her to forget about this stupid shit and just let me fuck her like normal people fuck.
"Tyler, that doesn't feel good. I don't like that so much. Tyler!"
Oh fuck. Oh fuck. She's going to kill me.
"Tyler, what are you doing? Tyler I don't like that."
"Oh shit. Oh shit. OH FUCKING SHIT!"
"What? What's going on Tyler? What the fuck are you doing to me?"
"It's stuck."
"What's fucking stuck? Your cock? Bullshit, pull that fucker out of my ass!"
"The eggplant. I can't. I can't. What the fuck am I going to do? How do you want me to pull it out, Lauren? I can't do it. I can't. Oh my fuck, this is gross. This is so wrong."
"Stop being a fucking wuss! Just grab the fork. What the hell else would you do? Grab the fucking fork."
"What fork? Are you fucking telling me that this has happened before? That you fucking know how to get a stuck vegetable out of your pussy? Seriously?"
"Just grab the fucking fork, you ass. It's in the drawer in my nightstand."
The drawer. The drawer, that was my undoing. The drawer that had not only a fork, but rotting vegetables. Gross, putrid, stinking, fucking rotting vegetables.
That was it. I retched. There was no turning back. I fucking threw up. Though I guess it could have been worse, at least it was the salad that I had for lunch that I tossed all over her.

AN: I'm sure I've like leapfrogged over that "line you shall not cross." My beta, Unimaginative Olena, didn't really approve of this one shot "Okay, that was gross. Like really really really gross." Twific Crackmum on the other hand said "DEW IT!"

The Tent Scene SMeyer Didn't Want You to See by tiffaninichole

A/N:
Before reading, be forewarned that this is a contest for bad lemons. I just couldn't pass this contest up. It's total WIN.
I didn't have the heart to ask coachlady to beta this mess.
Read at your own risk.
*dramatic voice* I present: The tent scene Smeyer didn't want you to see...
xxxxxxxxx
"Brrrr," I said. I was really, really cold.
"Hey, Bella?" Jake said.
"Huh?" I said.
"Why don't you come in the sleeping bag with me? I can keep you nice and warm."
I looked at Edward and his jaw was really tense. I didn't want to make him upset, so I waited to see what he would say.
After a long time of silence, Edward said: "Okay. But I don't trust that mutt. If you go under the sleeping bag, I do too."
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," Jake said too.
I got in the sleeping bag and cuddled into Jake's warm body. Edward laid behind Jake because he was too cold to be right next to me.
I suddenly felt Jake move his hips behind me and I felt something really hard and really big and I realized what it was with a loud gasp.
"What's wrong, love?" Edward said.
"I wanna have a threesome!" I blurted out of nowhere.
It was quiet for a long time.
"Okay," said Edward.
"Okay," said Jake.
We all stood up and the boys stripped the clothes off of my lithe body.
Edward stood behind me, his long, cold fingers tickling my bulging nubbin, the sticky fluid of my arousal oozing down my trim, porcelain thighs.
Meanwhile, Jake ripped off my bra, lowered his mouth to my pert breast and took a budding gland between his lips. I moaned super loud. His tongue's ministrations made my downy pubic hairs tremble with want.
"Oh, Jake, you make me so horny. I want you in my lustrous cavern!"
Before I could say another word, Jake had ripped off his boxers and wantonly revealed his huge scepter of love.
Then he dropped on his knees before me and darted his tongue out, making it lap deliciously over my dripping vulva. "ARGH!" I screamed as he suckled my swollen nubbin into his mouth until my knees collapsed from beneath me.
As soon as I hit the floor, Edward bent me over and slammed his unyielding staff into my gooey chamber. He dipped into me over and over and over again until I screamed so piercingly loud... like one of those crazy banshee ladies you read about on the internet when you Google Greek mythology or something like that.
Suddenly Jake's divining rod was in my face, the straining, purple, fleshy tip just begging for release as dewey, glistening droplets weeped out of his tiny pee-hole.
I slurped up those little droplets like a gerbil drinking out of its little water tube-thingy. I gorged myself on his pole, taking it deep into my mouth, siphoning the orgasm out of his ball sachet.
The combination of being with both of the men I loved was overwhelming and my entire ghostly-white body shivered and shook with moist, sticky pleasure.
Edward sloshed his manly baton into me until I got dizzy and finally came unleashed, thrashing around as liquid ecstasy drizzled out of my tight chamber, splattering down my legs into a juicy puddle of volcanic bliss-juice.
I screamed, but never stopped sucking Jake's wand of power. It didn't take long before hot bursts of his semen-y syrup erupted into my awaiting mouth. As he succumbed to the magically delicious sensations, Jake growled and started trembling. And then he wolfsploded right in front of me! He was a wolf, but like, really big! Like, bigger than one of those huge sheep-dogs!
Then he turned around and put his hairy wolf-butt in front my face and I was filled with salivating want as I imagined licking the dingle-berries off of it. Before I could do just that, he darted out of the tent.
I was confused.
Edward was panting behind me, relentlessly clobbering into my lightly-furred, slippery cavity as he said: "Jake wants me to tell you that he's leaving before he loses control."
"Okay," I said sexily.
Right after I said that, I heard Edward hiss and shriek and his movements became erratic. I said: "Come in me, Edward! Impregnate me with your salty nectar!"
And he came with a molten vengeance, his milky serum filling up my uterus and shooting into my needful ovaries.
"MKGRRGJLMBDZJIRQWH!" he said.
He collapsed behind me and I followed, wonderfully exhausted. Wolf-Seth came into the tent then, but I was too spent to cover myself.
As I succumbed to sleep, I heard a noise and hazily looked over. Wolf-Seth's tongue was lapping at a little puddle.
Strange, I thought.
Where did a puddle come from?
The end.
xxxxxxxxx
Wolfsplode was snatched from shoefreak37's funny ass crack!fic, "Story about a vampire and human in love and stuff." The word is too epic for me NOT to steal it! LOL!
Dingle-berries: Little balls of crusted poop that cling to your buttcrack hairs.

The Mechanics of Thrust by AngelGoddess1981

A/N: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I just really enjoy messing around with them. No copyright infringement intended.
I wrote this filthy little one shot as an entry for the Pineapple Awards, hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously and while it would kick ass if I won, I don't want to be judged by it... judged ON it, yes cuz that's how I'm gonna win, but BY it? Fuck no. Don't judge me. This is purely crackfic and was BEYOND fun to write.
NOTE: A pineapple is the worst of the worst lemons. Think, "My leaky, weeping pussy" bad. BAD.

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~*The Mechanics of Thrust*~
...by AngelGoddess1981...
Holy fuck.
"Emmett, can you hand me the torque wrench?" Rosalie asks from beneath Carlisle's Mercedes. Her long, lean legs are bare and are the only part of her that's visible and I can't stop fucking staring at them.
I've got your torque wrench right here, baby, I think to myself with a groan because I can't think of anything other than how hard I am or the unspeakably dirty things I want to do to her. There's always been something about my Rosie under a vehicle that makes my cock stand at attention...okay, so it's not just her under a vehicle that makes me hard. It's pretty much every fucking time we're in the same room.
"Dammit, Emmett! Why do you even offer to help?" she yells, pushing herself out from under the vehicle on the red leather mechanic dolly. There's oil and dirt smudged on her face and neck, and her tits are... Fuckin' tear me apart and set me on fire. You see, she's wearing this shirt that's tight in all the right places (which is basically all the fuck over) and because she's laying down, she's got this incredible cleavage that's just begging for me to motorboat – she fucking hates when I do that, but she lets me as long as she can... Uhhh... You know what? I've already said too much. Let's just leave it at: "she lets me motorboat the twins." Cool.
"What?" I say, but it sounds more like "Pubba?" because I'm still staring at her tits. I contemplate ripping off her clothes and driving my cock into her while she's on the dolly, wondering if all the forward momentum of my thrusting will cause us to move around the garage. I laugh out loud because the image is fucking hilarious and I suddenly want to try it.
She's on her feet and staring me down. Her eyes are wide and furious, the amber colour quickly being overcome by black as her anger escalates. She's annoyed. I don't need mind-reader-Eddie here to tell me that. I'm not a fucking tool.
Hoping to change her mood, I smile at her, and I make sure that it's wide enough that my dimples are deep because she can't resist them. I think I used to hate the fucking things as a kid, but man, they got me out of a lot of hot water with her.
Thrusting her finger in my face, she narrows her eyes menacingly. "Don't think you're getting off that easy, Emmett McCarty," she warns, her voice so low that I can hear a growl starting to rumble in her chest. All I hear is "getting off easy," before her snarl fills the room completely. The sound excites me, mostly because when Rosie growls, it usually means I'm in for crazy-angry sex. And crazy-angry sex in the garage could be fun. What with the dolly and all...
I laugh again.
"What is so damn funny?" she demands, frustrated. Waggling my eyebrows suggestively, her features soften slightly and I grab onto her and kiss her furiously. She pretends to try and push away, but I hold firm. I suspect she isn't really put out by my sudden need to fuck her.
I'm right; she does give in after I drop my hands to her ass and lift her until our faces are level. Her tongue pokes out, angrily insisting that I comply with its voracious demands. I do of course, because I'm a guy – and also because Mr. Stiffy wants to come out and say hello to her rocket socket.
Even though I can sense she's still a little angry (which is okay, 'cause remember, I like crazy-angry garage sex – or, I'm pretty sure I will), it only adds to the heat between us. Her hands are on the neck of my shirt, splitting it right down the middle and shredding it from my body before she pushes me hard against the Mercedes. The windows shatter into the vehicle as my rock-hard body collides with the fibreglass body of Carlisle's very expensive car. Whoops.
I'm honestly not too bothered by the damage to the car. It's to be expected when vampires fuck the way Rosie and I do. Which is hard and fast. We've been known to destroy walls and even entire houses – the latter being why Esme and Carlisle had us live separate from them in the beginning.
Teeth sink into my bottom lip and her venom burns, indicating that there will be a scar there later. Then, Rosalie rakes her nails along my chest; the sound filling the garage is not unlike that of nails on a chalkboard, but after decades of being as hard as stone – no, not just my love stick, 'cause that shit was harder than a motherfucking diamond at this point – that sound was almost the sexiest sound in the world. Well, unless it was coming from Carlisle and Esme's room. I shudder and quickly feel the need for vampire-strength brain bleach.
"Shit, Rosie," I pant, even though I don't really breath. As her hands tear my pants open, releasing the Cock-Ness Monster, I rush us forward until her body is sandwiched between my own and Edward's Vanquish. The metal frame groans in protest as I yank her shorts down, letting them fall to her ankles as I pick her up.
Her legs wrap around my waist, forcing my cocksicle to slide along her love canal. It's now rock-hard flesh on rock-hard flesh as I continue to drive my hips against her. Slipping my hand up beneath her top – also tearing it in the process – I palm one of the fun-bag twins until her back arches into my touch. She moans and I groan...or maybe that was Edward's car again. Who fucking cares?
As we continue to grind against each other like horny teenagers – which is what we were told to portray while staying here in Forks – Edward's car is starting to sway behind Rosie, and her nails are now digging into my back. I can hear her tearing into the back of my shoulders, my skin cracking and crumbling away, before I can feel it slowly beginning to heal. I can't take it anymore; after taking several more passes, I drive my shaft deep into her cock-pit, the sound of stone grinding against stone echoes in my ears, pushing me toward what I fully expected to be a powerful, mind-altering jizz-fest. And soon, the Vanquish's windows meet the same fate as the Mercedes'. Double whoops.
As I pump my rod deep into her, her tight little pussy starts to clench even tighter around me. The strength of her around my dick doesn't slow me at all; it actually makes me want to move faster because it feels so fucking good! So, I thrust... And I pump... And I slam into her until I feel my lower abdomen starting to tighten and a growl starts to build deep within my belly as I prepare to come inside her.
I continue to pound into Rosie and for some reason, the way our cock-gina is rising in temperature starts to make me think back to a distant human memory. It's not super-clear – that's what she said – but I'm pretty sure that in it, I learned that you can start a fire by slamming two stones together. While it should worry me, especially with the way we're hammering away at each other, I figure with no kindling around, the house is probably pretty safe. Right?
I do look around the garage, just to be safe, when my eyes land on that damn dolly and I laugh. Yes, again. I don't know why, but I really need to fuck her on that thing. Rose looks at me strangely as I continue to laugh, and it seems like she wants to ask me what I find so funny about being buried ballsack deep inside her. I don't give her the opportunity to ask out loud though before I throw us down on that damn dolly.
She's flat on her back, and I'm still pressed firmly between her thighs as she giggles. "I've always wondered what this would be like," she confesses as she wraps her legs tighter around me, almost like she's buckling me in for a wild ride. She's sweet, ain't she?
I look down at her lovingly as I move a little slower than we did against the Vanquish, testing out the mobility of the dolly before I decide we can manage it without breaking it or sending it flying from beneath us. I bet you're wondering if I was right earlier? Did the dolly move as we fucked? You bet your fine human asses it did!
Rosalie starts moaning breathlessly beneath me, each sound is punctuated by every one of my manic pushes into her. It's a good thing we're virtually indestructible, because as we move around the garage, I'm not paying attention to anything other than how her pussy feels around me. It's tight and so hot and it's creating delicious friction that rocks my entire body. Because I'm not paying close attention, we run into the tall red tool box that crashes down over us, and tools rain down on my back.
Grinning wickedly, I raise my body but continue to rock my hips. "You're tits..." thrust "...are so fu..." thrust thrust thrust "...king... HOT!" I lower my face between the two splendiferous boobs and I motherfucking motorboat the shit out of them. It's great and I don't know why it's as hot as it is, but I can feel my balls tighten in preparation of spilling my venom deep inside of her.
"Ugh!" She grunts in pleasure – well, I'm sure it's really more annoyance, but we'll go with pleasure. "You know what happens when you do that," she warns, but I don't care 'cause if I'm being completely honest I've never come harder in my life than when I let her do—
As I push my face harder into her tits and increase my motorboating efforts, she leans up, stretches an arm down beneath mine and over my back until her fingers trail down south. Some kind of ass-survival mode kicks in and my cheeks clench shut, but she insists and I relax. She teases my shit-chute with her index finger, circling it twice before she breaches the barrier. And then it's all over; I'm a blubbering mess of shaking marble flesh and limbs as I pulse and release my vampire-man-seed deep within the confines of her walls as they contract and milk me dry.
I collapse on top of her, both of us breathing deeply (and unnecessarily) and completely motherfucking spent, and the dolly breaks under our full weight. This makes us both laugh hysterically. Our laughter is short-lived though when the garage door opens, slamming hard against the wall behind it.
"What the hell did you guys do to my car?" Edward cries out, his voice nowhere near as "velvety" as his human mate seems to think it is. It's actually kind of pre-pubescent sounding which makes Rosie and I laugh even harder.
"Aaah, Eddie," I say, rolling off of Rose and sitting bare-assed on the concrete as she reaches for my torn shirt to cover herself. "One day, you'll understand the mechanics of thrust and I'm sure you and Bells will ruin a car or two... Maybe even an entire house."
~*The End*~

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AN: Yeah... So, remember, no judging ME. Judge the FIC for the complete absurdity that it is!
Check out all the other contest entries on the Teabag Twilight Blog as well! They're soooo funny! Which, is kind of the point of the entire contest!
So, no judging me for being a total pig. It was only a matter of time before I let it out! But, I'd love to hear what you thought! So, PLEASE REVIEW!


xoxo,
AG1981