Wednesday, March 30, 2011

To Love a Pixie by TheManiacalMuse

8==D~ ~ ~
 
A/N: This is an entry for the Pineapple Awards, hosted by Tea Bagging Twilight. Total crackfic. Not serious business at all. For serious.
NOTE: A pineapple is the worst of the worst lemons. Like, bad. 'Streaming ribbons of cum' bad. Yeah, you heard me.
Also, Twilight's not mine. Not even sure I want to claim ownership of this o_O



8==D~ ~ ~

"Come on-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n, Jazzy," Alice whined.

Jasper looked at her and grimaced. She couldn't be serious. "You can't be serious," he said.

"Yes I can ... and I am. Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase put these on?"

Jasper shook his head vehemently. "No. Absolutely not."

"Plea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ase?"

"No."

"PLEA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ASE?"

"NO."

Alice's lip turned down into a quivery pout. "Please?" she asked softly, her elfin eyes shining brightly with soon-to-be-shed tears. Her tiny hands held out the offending ... things toward him. Jasper couldn't even bring himself to acknowledge what they were.

"For the last time, NO. No way in hell am I putting those on."

Alice's sad pout turned indignant. "That's not fair!" she exclaimed, punctuating her outrage with a stomp of her miniature foot. "I did 'maiden in distress' for you, Major Whitlock. So now you have to return the favour."

"Fuck me," Jasper groaned. He knew playing out that little fantasy of his would come back to bite him in the ass. "Don't make me do this, Ali. I'll never live it down."

"Oh, hush. No one's going to know but us."

"Exactly. I'll know. That in itself is bad enough. If anyone else ever found out I'd be forced to dig a hole, climb into it, and set fire to myself." He started to imagine the looks on his teammates' faces as they gawked at illicit pictures of him plastered all over the locker room walls. No. No, that could never happen. He was NOT doing this. "I'm not doing this," he said adamantly.

Alice's lips began to quiver again and this time a tear trickled down her cheek. She flopped down to the floor, the sparkly wings on her back flapping a few times as she leaned forward with her face in her hands. "You don't love me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" she wailed, sobbing and sniffling dramatically.

"God have mercy..." Jasper mumbled, scrubbing his own hands over his face and hoping that when he opened his eyes again this would all just be a really, really bad dream.

He did – it wasn't. "Motherfucker," he muttered to himself.

Jasper cringed as Alice's wailing grew louder. She was quickly reaching uncharted heights of hysteria – a blubbering pile of pitiful pixie at his feet. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do it already! Just stop crying!" he yelped, hands now over his ears.

Alice's head popped up immediately, her eyes dry and gleaming in victory. "Yay-y-y-y-y-y!" she exclaimed, jumping to her feet and breaking into a bouncing clap. Her wings shook violently as she began to twirl and dance with happiness. Jasper couldn't help but wonder what the fuck he saw in this insane little sprite.

"Here you go!" she shrieked excitedly, thrusting the... the... the things at him.

Jasper closed his eyes as he raised ... them ... to the sides of his head. He couldn't believe he was doing this. No amount of hot, wet, cock-hugging vag could possibly be worth the humiliation.

"Oh my God-d-d-d-d-d, you look perfect!" Alice exclaimed. "Come on ... come see!"

He reluctantly let her drag him across their bedroom to the full length mirror on the back of the door, keeping his eyes clenched shut for as long as he possibly could.

"Look, Jazzy!" Alice demanded.

Jasper forced himself to open one eye and take in their reflection. There they were, standing side by side – her rainbow-coloured gauzy dress; sparkling, glittery wings; and soft, knee-high brown boots perfectly complimented by his ... ears.

Yes. Jasper Whitlock, star quarterback for his college football team and legacy to his family's long line of war heroes, was standing beside his imp of a girlfriend wearing a pair of pointed, plastic elf ears. He wanted to die.

"Mmmmm," Alice hummed, running her hand up and down his chest. "You're so hot right now."

Hot enough to burst into flames and not have to go through with this? Jasper wondered. He made one final attempt at saving his dwindling manliness. "Fuck, Ali. Please do not make me do this."

"Hush, you," she whispered, her hand now moving over his junk. He had no idea how she expected him to get hard when he looked and felt like a complete assclown. "Let's go make love under the heart tree."

Jasper barely managed to not roll his eyes as Alice led him by the hand to the huge construction-paper tree she'd taped to the wall. A blanket of fake grass was spread out on the floor beneath it, silk flower heads scattered all around, and there was a family of stuffed squirrels – mother, father, two kids and a tiny little baby – sitting off to the side. They stared at him; their black, beady eyes ready to watch as he committed the ultimate act of emasculation.

Alice was busy removing his pants as he stood frozen in horror, pushing them down his legs with his boxers and urging him to lift his feet. Jasper did so without even realizing it, and she pulled his socks off too, tossing his last few pieces of 'normal' across the room.

He snapped out of his stupor when she began to fasten a wide, fabric belt around his waist, complete with a thin plastic sword hanging from it. "Ohhh, no. No, no, no! The ears were one thing... I am not dressing up like Peter Pan."

"Don't be silly," Alice scoffed, her trilling laugh echoing off the walls and piercing straight into Jasper's brain. "You're not Peter Pan ... you're Leezolar – King of the Elves of Singshire!"

Jasper could only blink at her, wondering if maybe she had escaped from an asylum before he met her.

"And I'm Alantricia, your Queen," she continued, sounding more and more crazy by the second.

"Alan-who?"

"A–lan–tree–see–a. Your Queen. Our people are waiting for us to consummate; our love-liquids are what keep the earth fertile so we can grow and thrive among the trees."

Now he knew she was crazy. Bonkers. One nut short a jar of almonds. Totally bat-shit insane.

"Alice..."

She put a finger to his lips. "Alantricia...

"And be silent, my sweet elf-king. The time has come for us to fulfill our duty and bring prosperity to our people through our lust. Now lie on the Altar of the Mother's Heart – she will be with us as we perform this public act of worshipful passion."

Jasper assumed she meant the blanket of fake, prickly grass and grudgingly laid down on his back, his mind in a daze as the words 'love-liquids', 'mother', and 'public act' swam through his brain. He had never been so turned off in his life.

"Okay ... wait there!" Alice squeaked enthusiastically. She bounded to the closet and rummaged around in some boxes, eventually returning with an armful of Barbie dolls.

What the fuck? thought Jasper. This whole situation just kept going from bad to worse and impossibly more worse.

With great trepidation he looked closer as Alice began sitting the little dolls along the edge of the ... altar, noticing with an inward groan that they were dressed as tiny little elves – right down to their pointed hats and belted tunics.

"Ready!" she announced, and in a flash she was straddling his waist, her ripped and tattered multicoloured dress tickling his sides as she swayed and gyrated atop him.

They weren't actually having sex ... and yet Alice was moaning loudly, raising her arms to the ceiling and chanting in some bizarre language. "Yaya yeeky yee! Yaya yeeky yee! Dunlaka, moonlaka, leeky leeky lee-e-e-e-e-e!"

Leaky what now? Jasper wondered in confusion. He was actually starting to be genuinely worried for Alice's sanity. First she came up with this whole freak show, and now she was speaking complete gibberish – the girl was out of her God damned mind.

Alice's eyes snapped open and she stared at him intensely, her chest heaving with every breath. "It's time," she said profoundly, reaching down between them and gripping his solid cock. He had no idea when or how the fuck he had gotten hard, but somehow – miraculously – he was.

Before Jasper could blink he was deep in Alice's hot kitty, their ... love-liquids making squishy, slurping noises as she bounced furiously against his hips. "Leezolar!" she cried. "Leezolar, my king! Spill your man-seed so we may fertilize the earth!"

As disturbingly fucked up as the whole thing was, Jasper couldn't help but respond to the stimulus she was placing upon him. He gripped her hips tightly, practically lifting her off his body and slamming her back down with every tight stroke her yaya made on his cock.

Wait a minute, he suddenly realized after using the term unconsciously. Was that what she was calling out about earlier? Was her snatch a 'yaya' – making him ... the 'leaky'? What the motherfuck was this chick on?

Apparently it didn't matter, because he could feel the heat building in the groin as his ... man-seed prepared to ... spill.

"Say my name!" Alice shrieked. "Say my name as we give birth to another year of prosperity to these lands!"

"Alan... Alan..." Jasper grunted, momentarily horrified that he was calling a man's name during sex, but he just couldn't remember the ridiculous moniker she had given herself. "Alan-n-n-n-n..."

"Alantricia! Alantricia!" she cried out, bouncing so furiously he was a little afraid his dick would slip out and get bent in half by a hard downward thrust.

Jasper quickly forgot all about that though, as he suddenly came harder than he ever had, his leaky spilling his man-seed into her yaya. "Alantricia-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!"

Alice collapsed on top of him, quivering in her own aftermath of release as he laid there in stunned silence. He could still feel the warmth of orgasm tickling his groin, tiny waves of climax ebbing and flowing within him. What the fuck just happened? he wondered frantically.

"Mmmmm. Jazzy, that was amazing," Alice mumbled against his chest. "Thank you so much for letting me have that. And because I love you and know how much you love me back, I promise you never have to do it again."

Never? thought Jasper, the tingly goodness he felt continuing to flow within him. He really wasn't sure about that. His girlfriend might be a fucked up, elf-fantasizing, screaming pixie mental patient – but...

He was kind of starting to like these ears.

8==D~ ~ ~


A/N2: *snort* Yeah – there's a couple hours of my life I'll never get back...
I hope I least got a few laughs for my efforts. Review if you want :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Damn-it Jake I'm a vampire not a porn star!

In honor of William Shatner's Birthday I am offering 75 extra TeaBagging Points to anyone who can fit any of these iconic phrases into their lemon:
  • Beam me up, Scotty 
  • Live long and prosper 
  • Resistance is futile
  • Where no man has gone before
  • Mister Chekov, I think you've earned your pay for the week
  • You can't appreciate Shakespeare until you've read him in the original Klingon
  • Damnit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a ________
  • I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!  
  • Engage Number One
  • Rule of Acquisition 112: Never have sex with the boss's sister.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Partners in Crime

I have partnered with the TTTrifecta girls: Bella Flan, Wordslinger and JKane180 for the Pineapple Awards!  They were a huge part of the inspiration for this and having them as a part of the team is a huge boon.  They will be presenting a special award for their top pick in addition to the coveted Pavarti's Pick Award.  So get those stories going and send us something powerfully awesome. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

"Ch-ch-ch Chia," by SexyLexiCullen


Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight...
Submission for: The Pineapple awards "The best of the worst lemons" contest,
Oh God, this is horrible, but it's supposed to be, right?
"Ch-ch-ch Chia," by SexyLexiCullen

In all her seventeen years on this planet, Bella Swan had never seen a penis before. She saw them on television, and even in some pornographic film she stole from her father's DVD player, but she never saw the real-deal Holyfield.

All of her friends were having sex, and gawking at penises, and yet she was not, and that fact alone sent Bella into a whirlwind of depression. She needed to see the cock...she needed to have one inside of her, and she was through waiting for love.

Now, Miss Swan—who also suffers from severe anxiety—was very nervous about losing her virginity. So she did what any normal, curious girl would do.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Swan took a small, travel sized bottle of shampoo, and broke her own cherry. It wasn't as painful as she thought it would be, but she did bleed, and that put her mind at ease. She didn't want her first time to be painful, and she didn't care who it was with.

She enlisted the help of her childhood friend Emmett, a very open homosexual male. He wasn't interested at all. Even if he was thoroughly curious himself about "The pussy."
He agreed, after she promised him fifty dollars and to wash his jeep after.

And that's how she found herself, lying stock still and naked in her bed one day after school—covered by a heavy quilt, of course.

"Okay...do it." She closed her eyes tightly and braced herself for the cock.

Emmett sighed. "I know you don't expect me to just jump right in there." He snapped his fingers.

"Think about Edward, I will." Bella said, and she did. She began to think about Edward, the most gorgeous, unattainable guy at their school—his disheveled hair, green eyes, and handsome face.

"Well, if I squint my eyes closed tightly—no, I don't think this is going to work." Emmett said.

Bella leaned up on her elbows, and stared down at herself. "Is it me? Am I that hideous?"

Emmett shrugged. "You're okay..."

"Just—just make it big and then put it in me...wear a condom though...I mean, you don't even have to kiss me, just put it inside of me." Bella shrugged. "-and you said I could see it." She pointed her eyes to his crotch.

Emmett looked put out when he unraveled his lace scarf from around his neck, and began to undress. He did it quickly while Bella watched.

She stared fascinated, and longed for the big reveal or in Emmett's case—just the reveal.
Emmett's dick was small, sad and ugly looking. "See?" He pointed.

Bella grimaced. "Do they all look like that?"

He shook his head no. "My parents—they didn't want to get me circumsized—they agreed that it would be my choice." He stared down at his own dick. "I like it—it has its own casing."

"Um...can you peel it back, and let me see...um...yeah?" Bella pointed, and waited patiently as Emmett began to peel the foreskin away from his flaccid penis.
Bella's mortified expression intensified when there wasn't much underneath all that skin. She didn't know what to think as it began to grow in size too. Emmett not only peeled the skin back, he brought it back down, and away again—until he grasped his balony-pony and threw his head back. A sigh escaped his lips, as Bella's lips were parted—this time, she marveled at what he was doing. No longer was she horrified, because she hated to admit that the sounds of pleasure coming from Emmett did something to her. His grunts, his groans, and just—how big that fucking thing got, filled her stomach with an odd anticipatory feeling.

She thought about the Chia Pet commercial.

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Right before her eyes, Emmett's cock just grew larger and larger.

"I think...um...I think I'm ready." Emmett blew out a breath.

Bella nodded and closed her eyes again, before she threw herself back down. "Tell—tell me before you do it."

"Bee, I think it would be easier for me if you were um...on all fours?" He asked. "-and if you could slump down, and maybe cover your head with a pillow—that'd be awesome."

"Right." Bella breathed with a new shakiness to her voice. She pulled the quilt to cover her whole body, and crawled to the middle of the bed. She made sure her whole body continued to stay covered, as she pulled the blanket away from her ass. "How's this?"

"What?" Emmett asked.

"How's this?" She said a little louder.

"Perfect...I'll tell you when—hey, you have any lotion?"

Bella quickly stuck her head out to point at her chest of drawers. Emmett without missing a beat waltzed over to grab her bottle of Jergens. He brought the bottle back over to the bed, dug a condom out of his nap sack, and lost his wood.

"What are you doing?" Bella waved her ass in the air.

"This is a lot of pressure, okay? You're cleaning my room too."

"Fine." Bella grumbled. "Just hurry up."

With a few quick flicks with his wrist, Emmett was ready to go again. He placed the condom on rapidly, dumped some Jergens into his palm, and stared curiously at Bella's asshole. He noticed that there was another hole right below it, and knew that was his target.

He slapped the lotion down onto his cock anyway. He had heard from the guys at school just how wet girls can be, but he didn't want to risk it with Bella. He thought he was better safe than sorry in this case. He was used to blow-jobs, and had never experienced "back-door" fucking, but he knew that the rectum was not a self lubricating vessel.

Plus, Bella Swan wasn't like most girls their age. She carried herself like a librarian, chewed her hair, and watched people. He knew she was different, and he also heard some jock say "I bet Swan's pussy feels like sandpaper," and Emmett did not want to rub his junk on some sandpaper.

He leaned into her slowly, and was met with resistance.

"Oww...you're pulling on my fucking pubes!" Bella shouted.

Emmett groaned. "Get out the fucking weed-whacker and take care of it...Sorry." He covered his mouth. "Do you still want me to do this?" Emmett stared down again, more determined than ever. He too had his own curiosities.

"Yeah, just put in already." She wiggled her ass again. "But be quick about it."

Emmett gulped, grabbed the base of his cock, and pushed into her again. Bella, in turn, reached below herself and tried to direct him. He kept hitting her folds, and her hood, but continued to miss the main target.

On the fifth try, Emmett's member was aligned with Bella's sandpaper snatch. She felt it, braced herself again, and pushed back.

He entered her slowly while an awestruck gasp came from his lips. Meanwhile, Bella didn't make a sound. It didn't hurt—since that shampoo bottle was used more than once—she only felt full.

"Okay, move or something." Bella poked her head out, and Emmett was quick to cover her head again. "Go crazy—pretend I'm Brad Pitt," she disguised her voice the best she could, and brought it down to a low baritone. "Oh Emmett." She said, and then snickered. "What are you waiting for?"

Emmett didn't know what to do. He had never felt anything as warm, as wet, and as tight as Bella's cooter. He was afraid to move—afraid to do anything. He also liked the new tone to her voice.

Emmett still wasn't moving and Bella grew impatient. She began to move herself against him. She felt him go, in and out, in and out, and on the sixth round—she felt Emmett grasp her ass and enter her as deep as he could.

"Edward.." He groaned, going a bit slower as he panted and leaned on top of Bella.

"Get out." She kicked him, and crawled away from him. When she sat down, she felt victorious. She had sex.

And sadly, it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

The end...
*Giggles* How fucking horrible was that? LMAO

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Pineapple Awards! The Best of the Worst Lemons!

We've all read them...
We've all tweeted about them...
Now it's time to write one...


That's right bitches, you heard me right.  Give me your Hot Streaming Ribbons of Cum.
Bella Flan and I will be judging this little experiment in insanity and I'm hoping you will give us something spectacular!
  • This is intended to be a drabble contests, so apx 500-1500 words (I made it longer for you wordy writers *cough*LeeLator*cough*).
  • NO PLAGIARISM.  The intention of this is to write your own ridiculous lemon NOT to make fun of anyone's writing.  If I find out that's happening I will beat you with Shatner's Schlong.
  • Stories are due April 15th by midnight, just like your taxes.  Email me the link at ff.net OR the doc at TBagTwilight @ gmail
  • 18 and over ONLY please
  • BETAs are preferred but not required.
What's that?  Who's that in the back there...?  What are you asking?  Ohhh you don't know what a Pineapple is?  Well, it's the worst, more ridiculous, most unsexy lemon you can imagine.  I'm talking IKEA Erotica (insert tab A into tab B), something worth of being posted on The Weeping Cock, or perhaps something Jean M. Auel would have written.

You'd like some examples?  Well sure, I can do that!
Some of these are from fanfic (non-Twilight), some are real books, one is from Bill O'Reilly's book and, one actually one an award for worst sex in literature from The Literary Review!  Can you guess which is which??

  • "And then he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it"
  • "Battler thrusted his penis one last time and he came. She came too. Then they flew down to the ground."
  • "Battler put his penis in her clitoris."
  • "no force at his disposal could stop the flood of semen that roared it way up his length." this one's my favorite!
  • "Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly."
  • "I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!" 
  • "His stiffness into her wetness"
  • 'They fucked all night'
  • "he glided in liquid smooth"
  • 'Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.' ok I take it back, this one might be my favorite! 
  • "shove your eggplant up to my ribcage!"
  • "Just when I think it can’t get any more intense, Mabel plunges her arm into me well past her wrist..."
  • "It felt so good when I did it with my penis" 
Got the idea now?  I'm looking forward to what atrocities you come up with!  So get writing!