One Lump or Two? by Little Furry Cannibals

This is my one-shot entry for a contest called "Tea Bagging Twilight Awards". Yes, it really is about THAT. Don't ask and yes, I know. There probably is a special place in Hell for writers like me. :D

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Paul paced back and forth in front of the three kids sitting in front of him. At seventeen, the other three were definitely still kids, only being varying ages of fifteen. Normally he wouldn't waste his time, but one of the youths, Jacob Black, had something Paul wanted: his older sister.
Rachel Black was eighteen, single and most importantly, fuck-worthy. She was also kind of a family person, so Paul figured if he entertained her younger brother, he might score some points with her. It couldn't hurt, right?
Which brought him back to pacing in front of them one Friday afternoon.
"It's kinda cool you agreed to hang out with us," Jake spoke up, wondering why Paul seemed a little edgy. His other two friends, Embry and Quil, sat beside him on a broken futon that had been shoved back here for repairs. It would probably never be fixed, but served as a good hang-out and sometimes make-out spot for the guys. Jake himself had received his first kiss—a lot more since then- here with his girlfriend, Bella. Summer was just around the corner and he hoped to add more make-out like encounters on this very spot.
"Hey," Embry spoke up, deciding to make a suggestion. "We should drive out to Forks, and see if they have Medal of Honor for rent. We could set up a contest and see who's the best."
Quil and Jake nodded along in excitement. Without any type of cars, there wasn't a lot to do, especially in La Push. Tomorrow, Quil and Embry would go to the beach in hopes of catching some sunbathers. Jake knew that Charlie would drop Bella off to spend the day with him while the two dads went to a nearby lake to fish.
"Maybe later," Paul hedged, not giving a rats-ass about playing Xbox on a Friday night. Jared would be coming over later and the two of them would head out to Port Angeles. The three stooges would not be invited.
"Hey, did you hear about Sam? He got caught nailing both Emily and Leah. At the same time!" Quil shouted, slightly admiring Sam's ability to convince cousins into a three-some.
"He should be tea-bagged," Paul mumbled. Sure, every guy dreamed of sleeping with multiple chicks at once, but cousins? It seemed a little too red-neck.
"Tea-bagged?" Embry questioned, unfamiliar with the term. Looking over at Jake and Quil, he knew they were just as clueless.
"Yeah, tea-bagged. You know, when a guy puts his nuts into another guy's mouth. Usually the asshole is passed out or fucked up and doesn't remember anything. When he finally wakes up, he's confused as shit as to why he has pube hairs in his mouth. Usually the fucker thinks he got lucky the night before until the truth comes out."
"That's gross. Doesn't that make you gay? Why would you want to put your sac in some guy's mouth? I'd think it would feel better if you did that to a girl."
Paul gave Jake a weird look. "No, it doesn't make you gay. You aren't getting off on it; at least not when you tea-bag some dude."
"Oh," Jake mumbled, a little embarrassed.
"Wait! Are you telling me you've never had your girl tea-bag you? Any of you?" Paul felt like the world had stopped. What the hell was wrong with these weirdos?
Paul spent the next hour explain the basics even going so far as to have Jake bring out a Lipton teabag and mug of water to better explain. Embry still looked slightly confused.
"Tell ya what, guys," Paul sighed, heading out to go home. "Go try it with your bitches and let me know if you think I was exaggerating. See ya later."

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At six-thirty the next morning, Jake was awoken to the sounds of muffled voices. Ten minutes after all noises had ceased, Bella crept to his room. Kicking her shoes off and removing her jeans, she crawled into bed with him where they'd sleep in like normal teenagers did on a Saturday.
This morning, Jake couldn't sleep. He was anxious to try out Paul's suggestion but had no clue how to accomplish it without sounding like an ass. "Hey, baby, suck my balls" was neither endearing nor romantic and the last thing Jake wanted to do was ruin the chances of any type of future sex with Bella.
The petite naked brunette trembled on the sheets as she tried to recover from the multiple orgasms Jake had just given her with his tongue, fingers and hands. Not that Jake was a stingy lover but usually by her second orgasm, he was planted deep inside of her to achieve his own as well.
"Are you okay?" Jake asked Bella, trying hard not to smirk like a sex-god. True, he had somewhat chickened out but he knew Bella would want to have sex soon. She was very giving in that aspect.
"That was wonderful," Bella cooed, still in a hazy, blissful-state. It took her a few more minutes to regain composure before she remembered that her boyfriend was probably expecting a thoughtful, sexual favor in return.
Flipping over so she was nestled between his legs, she dragged her fingers up and down his thighs, eyeing his throbbing cock. Like a swooping hawk , she engulfed him in her mouth when he twitched, his hoarse grunt of appreciation encouraging her to do more.
Jake panted as Bella worked him in her mouth.
When she pulled him out and started to lick his shaft, Jake decided to go for it. With his hands, he nudged her head downwards, hoping she'd understand his subtle movements. Her tongue complied slightly, stroking the underside of the base of his cock. With one hand, he lifted his nuts to brush against Bella's lower lip.
When Bella paused, Jake began to panic. Obviously she didn't want to do that and any minute now, would get pissed and storm off. Then Jake would have to man-handle himself before following her downstairs to apologize for his crudeness.
The actual amount of paused lick time was nowhere near the amount of time that passed. With an eagerness to try something new, Bella lowered her chin to lick the rounded appendages. When Jake's panting picked up speed again, Bella engulfed first one testicle then the other into her mouth. Jake thought he was about to die from ecstasy.
"Shit, Bells, yes! Just like that!" Jake called out, his orgasm about to make him a two-minute-man.
Using one hand to cup and lick and the other to stroke him, Bella marveled at how reactive Jake was being and only slightly grossed out when he came without warning a few seconds later.

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Quil sat buck-naked in his Lego-themed chair backwards. Yesterday at the beach, he and Embry had come across his usual fuck-buddy, Claire. She was a good friend, excellent lay and never said no to Quil. Until today.
When the sky had begun to cloud up around one, Quil had asked Claire to take a walk with him. They both knew the walk wouldn't be for very long, just far enough to get away from prying eyes and let teenage-horniness nature take its course.
In his excitement at getting tea-bagged, Quil had grunted out the request. Stopping mid-blow, Claire had grabbed said balls and squeezed while biting down. Amidst tears of "I'm sorry" and "Oh, god, please stop!" Claire had finally stood up to find her clothes in a nearby bush.
Claire had been offended. Ride his dick until it broke: yes. Blow him until he was dehydrated: yes. The "Suck those nuts 'til you gag" had been too much.
Quil was still astounded at Claire's reasoning. She had no complaints when she sucked his dick; even fewer still when he licked her pussy as well as tongue fucked it. The idea of her sucking his jewels had somehow become offensive to her, and she left.
Here he was, Sunday afternoon, stroking his own nuts while staring at the tank. Quil knew that on Monday, when the group reconvened, he'd be the only one not to know what tea-bagging felt like. That was not something he could ever live down.
How hard could it be? Sure, he couldn't suck his own nuts –not that he hadn't tried—but the idea was to simply have his balls encased in a mouth. Or something close to resembling a mouth. Herb was the answer.
Balls firmly in hand, Quil stood up to approach the tank. Herb was close to two feet in length. Quil usually didn't take him out of the water; Herb didn't like that. But desperate times called for desperate measures and Herb had yet to fail Quil.
The tank water was cool. Sliding his hand into the aquarium, Quil waited for Herb to stop freaking out at the intrusion. Once the squid stopped jetting away, it slowly approached Quil's hand. Plunging the other hand into the tank from behind the squid, Quil caught it and brought it out of the water, ignoring the tentacles that coiled around his wrists and forearms, the others flailing helplessly in the air.
He had been so close to succeeding in being tea-bagged. Herb was eager to get a grip, judging from the chomping of its mouth. But when Quil saw Herb's mouth—more specifically, Herb's beak—he dropped his pet.
An hour later, Quil sat down to dinner. Herb may not have been good for tea-bagging, and he had become slightly boring as a pet, but he was one hell of an appetizer.

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Laid out in the safety of his bed Sunday evening, Embry whimpered in discomfort. Obviously Paul had failed to mention that tea-bagging was more of a code word rather than an actual act. The hospital staff had commented wryly that second-degree burns were more common than thought of to the genital area, but the snickering staff-members gave Embry doubts.
Embry wasn't surprised when he and Quil found Claire at the beach on Saturday. The surprise was the friend she had with her; Megan.
Embry and Megan were perfect for each other. Neither was very smart but both were attractive and often horny. It balanced nicely.
Once Quil and Claire had left for one of their infamous 'walks', Megan had eagerly turned her attention to Embry. They left the beach to find a more comfortable spot to screw: Embry's house.
"…and Paul said it was called tea-bagging. Do you, uhh, wanna try?" Embry asked Megan as they walked into his room.
Megan had slept with Paul a few times in the past. He was a solid, hard core fuck, but they'd never done anything like tea-bagging. Probably because there wasn't a microwave in the back of the car.
"Sure, I'll do it. Do you have the stuff?"
"Oh, right! Yeah, let me go get it," Embry agreed, happy this was turning out so well. Practically running to the kitchen, Megan could hear him rummaging through the cabinets, only to come back with a box in hand.
Megan started to fondle her breast as she watched Embry slide out his jeans, hopping first on one foot then the other.
When he was completely nude, Megan walked over to where he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Dropping to her knees, she spread his legs, kissing her way up to his dick. Neither knew exactly how this was supposed to work but Megan was smart enough to know that if she got him juicy and wet, it would stick.
"Have you done this before?" Embry finally asked, not really caring but trying to keep himself from thrusting his hips.
Megan paused, just long enough to give him a seductive answer. "Nope," she replied, popping the 'n'.
Embry trembled in excitement. He had never met anyone else who could pop an 'n' and that alone attested to Megan's talented mouth. Rumor had it, she could use her tongue to build a working carousal out of cherry stems.
"I think it's time to do it, Embry." Nudging the side of his leg with her head, she paused; a semi-delirious Embry searching for the box he had brought in.
He wasn't all that dumb. Teabags were small and the amount of paper used in one to hold leaves, wouldn't completely encase his balls. Instead, Embry had grabbed the box of coffee filters, grateful his mom used the old-fashioned paper kind and not one of those new, reusable metal ones. Megan probably wasn't that kinky.
"It…tastes like paper. I don't think I like this," Megan complained a few minutes later.
"Well…uhh…OH! I know. I can't believe we forgot the tea."
"I'm not sucking on a teabag, Embry."
"No, you don't have to. I'll make you a cup of tea and you can hold it in your mouth. Then try sucking. It'll taste better."
Running back to the kitchen, nude, with a partially coffee filter wrapped dick and balls, Embry dug back through the cabinets, praying there was tea somewhere.
"What's taking so long, Embry?"
"I…I don't know what type of tea we need for this. Paul had Lipton but all I have is Tetley or Oolong." Embry began to sweat. This was just like the practice test for the PSAT's all over again. It was never the obvious choice but when there were only two options versus four, the rules for deciding changed.
Megan just giggled. "Go with the Oolong. Maybe it makes you bigger."
An empty tea cup and three failed attempts later, and Megan was ready to call it quits. "Let's just fuck. I'm horny."
"Wait, just one more try, please?"
Embry went out to the kitchen once again, returning with a steaming cup of freshly brewed tea. He set it carefully on the nightstand, noticing that Megan was starting to look bored. Grabbing a new coffee filter, he carefully wrapped his balls, giving his dick a few encouraging strokes to stay hard.
With a surgeon's precision, he hovered for just a second over the tea cup before dipping himself into the liquid. He passed out to the sounds of his own tortured screams, a shocked looking Megan and the sound of a mug shattering on the floor.
Trying to stifle the memories, he cowered slightly when Quil walked into his room unexpectedly. Embry watched as Quil took a seat in a nearby chair, failing to notice that anything wrong.
"So, I was thinking," Quil whispered loudly, still not looking at Embry directly. "Remember how Paul said you could tea-bag without a chick? Maybe we could…"

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Paul listened, wide-eyed and slack-jawed after Jake had shared his story and then Quil and Embry had started their own. Both conveniently left out Sunday night; Paul didn't know them well enough to catch on, but Jake had his suspicions.
"Well," Paul finally drawled out when everyone had fallen silent. "I guess it's a good thing we weren't talking about red-winging it. Who the fuck knows how you bitches would have messed up that shit?"
Standing up to leave, Paul stopped when Embry asked, "Red-wings? Like the hockey team? Is a puck involved?"
"Do me a favor, kids, and just stick to the basics," Paul responded, deciding that no chick was worth this type of mind-fuckery.

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~~~ Huge thanks to Jul5857 for beta'ing on such short notice.
I'd greatly appreciate it if you could leave a review. Even if you are still reeling. :D