Arbor Day by sfiddy

This is a sick little fanfic...not mine, no money. No one would pay for this.
This is my submission for the first (perhaps last if anyone has a bit of taste) Teabagging Twilight contest by Pavarti. Don't ask the origins of the contest, I'll just pretend I didn't hear you.
This is just one of those little exchanges that happen when guys try to brag. Enjoy...or rather...well..whatever.

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"So, this chick drags me from the trail, saying she wants to take a break from hiking. I take her to the little clearing by the trailhead behind your house, Jake. You know the one, with the good trees?"
Jacob Black threw another log into the spitting bonfire and waved his hand in front of his face to brush away the ensuing sparks and glowing embers.
"I swear to God, Embry, I so don't want to hear this shit." He said loudly to be heard over the protesting logs.
"C'mon you prude. You know you have a little arborist in you somewhere." Embry elbowed Quil, who nodded a little uncomfortably.
Paul, rolling his eyes, leaned back further on the log and sucked back half his beer. "Remind me again why I'm here instead of with a woman?"
"Because, motherfucker," Embry drawled lazily, "After last time, Jared won't loan you his spare bed and you simply lack my outdoor skills."
Paul snorted. "Weren't you telling some great story, fool? Please, continue. I can't wait to hear this."
Embry continued excitedly, ignoring Paul's smirk. "Right, so I take her to the trees and give her some water. I hop up in one tree all cute and shit, hoping she'll join me. They always get all sentimental about climbing trees." Jake groaned.
"I figure she's just gonna want to fool around, but no, this chick sees how I'm sitting. Jake, you know the tree with the 'V' in the branches about five feet off the ground? It has a dip in the trunk that just cups your ass?"
"Where the fuck are you going with this, and do I need to get my chainsaw?" Jacob sat heavily on the other side of the fire and silently prayed the flames would drown out Embry's story.
"You cut that tree down, and you ruin a beautiful memory, asshole. So I had my legs slung over the branches and I'm all spread out. It's warm the other day, so the jewels are hanging low, you know?"
Paul raised an eyebrow. Quil was pink, but clearly taking mental notes.
"Instead of starting to climb up the tree and getting in my lap, this girl walks under me and starts messing with my shorts, running her finger along the seam and tickling me behind the boys." Embry's face glowed. "Then she goes up the leg and starts teasing me and tells me to pull the shorts down."
"Are you done reciting from 'Penthouse Letters', because I think I've heard this one." Paul mocked.
"Whatever." Embry dismissed. "So I'm swinging loose with my shorts hanging off one ankle-"
"Classy." Jake interrupted.
"Like you've done this, smartass. I bet Bella doesn't even like to leave the light on." Embry laughed at Jake's sudden silence. "And I still thought she was gonna climb on for a ride. Oh no, she walks right between my legs and starts licking me. Not like a lollipop, but like ice cream, man. And she's thorough. Fuck, she not only tongues the boys, she mouthed them and sucked."
Quil's eyes widened and he looked very uncomfortable.
"Man, I thought a chick with a lisp might not be very good at that, but I think I have a new fetish…if she can't say an 's', I'll beg, I'll crawl, I don't care as long as she puts that thick tongue on me." Paul's forehead creased in thought for a moment but Embry kept going. "So she kinda licking, sucking, and stroking me at the same time. Jake, if a ton of little woody wolves starts sprouting at the trail by your place, please, let them grow."
"Fuck, man." Jake muttered through his facepalm.
"Wait, she had a lisp?" Paul asked, smiling.
"Yeah, man." Embry said dreamily. "Leena…I think. I gotta check, 'cause I'm totally seeing her again." Embry suddenly snapped his eyes to Paul. "Why?"
"Nothing. The lisp runs in the family…that's all." Paul just kept smiling. Jake and Quil both looked up, wondering what was about to go down.
"Dude, please…please tell me you didn't…please…?" Embry pleaded. "I might marry that girl!"
"No, no, no. I never touched Leena." Paul assured Embry, who sighed in relief. "But she has two sisters who have the same lisp, and they're pretty talented, too."
Embry glared at Paul, whose smirk turned decidedly evil.
"They're pretty outdoorsy as well, just check out the wear marks on the branches three feet higher. And I swear, their mother taught them everything they know."
"Awww, fuck, man!" Embry screeched.
Jake and Quil burst into laughter, suddenly very happy to be a little on the prudish side.

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Yep, so...yeah. Silly, ridiculous, and fun. :)