Traffic Jam by Donniluvsgaston

A/N:So I just wrote this little piece for the Pineapple contest. It's not perfect but I got a kick out of writing it tonight. Enjoy:)

Bella sat silently in the passenger's seat of Jake's car. Her nerves were a mess as she thought of what Edward would do if he knew what she had been forced to do. Her life had taken a turn for the worse after Charlies death. Making ends meet had been hard and Bella's and Edwards bill were piled high. She knew that it was wrong to use Jake in this manner but she had no choice. He was an adult. Surely he could handle what she was about to do and never speak of it.
Bella licked her lips and slid her body up in the chair. The air conditioning freezing the sweat on her body that the summer heat had caused. She shifted silent trying to remain patiently as she watched the front door of his condo. After a few antagonizing minutes she saw the door open and Jake appeared. Her eyes squinted in horror as his form filled her eyes painfully. He was shirtless, just the way that she always remembered. He quickly entered the car tossing a condom into the cup holder that was placed in the middle of the drivers and driver's seat. Bella sighed, licking her lips and turning to face him. Jake started the car.
"Are we going to discuss this?" She asked.
"Nothing to discuss," He smirked. "I'm going to pay you to fuck. It's really simple."
"Jake," She screeched in embarrassment. "Can you...not say that.."
Jake turned to face her, "In some sick and twisted way I really enjoy fucking you. My dick's been a little pale lately."
"Jacob," She said. "Can we just go please. I have to be back home at eight."
"Okay but before we go just tell me how much this is going to cost me?"
"Jake..."
"How much?"
"One thousand dollars."
Jake laughed, " I'd rather jerk it."
"Really?"
"Alright fine but were fucking my way."
They fled the scene at fast paste. Bella was growing nervous. Her nerves kicked in over drive because they were soon stuck in traffic. She sighed impatiently as minutes passed by. With in an hour Bella had had enough. She unstrapped her seat belt, reaching over and began to work on Jake's pants.
"Are you for real?"
Bella cocked and eyebrow, "Serious. Get your dick up so that I can quickly get it back down."
Bella quickly unbuttoned his pants, forgetting the fact that they were in the middle of traffic. The only thing that were shielding them were his tinted windows. Once his bulging erection was released she began to climb onto his lap ramming her head accidental on the stirring wheel, "Shit," She yelped.
Jacob chuckled, "Clumsy much?"
"Just line your penis up. I can't see from this angle."
"What?" He asked confused.
"Just fuck me you idiot."
Jake obeyed quickly slamming into her forcing Bella forward. Unexpectedly he breast slammed onto the staring wheel causing the horn to go off. Bella tensed as the guy in front of them flipped them the finger.
Bella began to ride him, flushing out the embarrassment.
"You know if your ass was not so big we would have more room," Jake whispered.
"What?"
"I mean if you...fuck I don't know," He muttered. "I'm just saying..."
"Don't say anything unless its faster, harder, or I'm cuming."
She continued her movements until she heard him speak again, "Bella," He said.
"Umm...Jake wh-at?" she moaned in between breathes.
"How is traffic up there?" He asked.
"Fine," She yelled. "Fucking great."
Jake grew silent save for groans and moans as she rode him faster, harder. After a few moments he spoke again, "Bella?"
"Just fucking cum already," She yelled.
"I'm trying," He said. "Just get like wetter or something," He blurted out.
Both of them were startled as a hand began to pound relentlessly on the car window. Before Bella could object Jacob rolled down the window. Her eyes grew wide as saucers as she took in the sight of someone she thought would never see her this way.
"Sorry to bother you but I was wondering if I could borrow your phone I...BELLA," Renee screeched.
Bella tensed, "Hey mom," She gulped. "Did you know that there was a traffic jam?"

CUM INTO MY OFFICE. NOW. by smexy4smarties and solareclipses

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Clinical Love by Shpwhitney

The Pineapple Awards O/S Entry

Penname: Shpwhitney

Title: Clinical Love

Rated M for profanity, pineapples, and pure hilarity

Word Count: 1,478

Pairing: Bella/Edward, AH

Summary: When Bella meets the seemingly perfect man in Edward Cullen, she is pleasantly surprised in his lack of flaws and falls hard. What’s not to love in a sexy, cultured, successful, rich doctor? Well, the fact that he is somewhat clinical in every aspect of relating ;)

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters; S. Meyers does and I thank her for letting me borrow them!

Like most women, I’ve met and fallen for many a guy, thinking that I had finally found the amalgamation of every ideal spoken of in romance novels and movie love stories.
However, just like most women, I’ve eventually been hit in the head with the reality stick pretty soon after. When the proverbial smoke clears after the honeymoon period is over and the façade has dropped, I’m eventually faced with some stereotype of a man who makes it hard for a woman to not want to pack it all in and decide to bat for the home team.
I’ve dated a momma’s boy who called his mom ten times a day and had her come over to do all the cooking and cleaning, and a pretentious asshole who thought my sole purpose was to be barefoot and pregnant. I’ve woken to find my credit card or cash missing by the supposedly successful venture capitalist or restaurant owner, or found myself embarrassed to go out with a man who lacked the decorum and intellect to be taken out in public. One time I came home early from work to find my boyfriend rolling around in all the stilettos in my closet while wearing my red lace teddy from Vickie Sec, while being photographed by another man wearing nothing but the matching panties to that teddy.
Suffice to say, I’ve been a little weary about entering into relationships.
So when I met Dr. Edward Cullen after a horrible run in with my butcher knife and he asked me out as soon as the last stitch was in place, my immediate reaction was to politely tell him no. It was only after two subsequent trips to the E.R. for equally accident-prone injuries that I finally caved in and agreed to a date.
One month later, I couldn’t find one thing wrong with the man. He was funny, intelligent in a modest way, and attentive. He had the perfect amount of chivalry but respect for my independence, and he was close to his family without bordering on incestuous. To top it all off, he was sexy as hell.
So, it was after the lack of  “shoe-dropping “ (and shoe-molesting) occurrences that I decided to take the next step with him by attacking him at my front door as he prepared to say goodnight. To say I was sexually frustrated would be an understatement, so when it was clear that we were both willing and ready to be intimate, I could practically hear my pussy squeal in excitement.
Oh how premature I was about that shoe-dropping thing.
“Oh baby, you are so sexy. You make my male organ of copulation so hard. I can’t wait to be inside of you.”
What. The. Fuck? At first I was sure he was joking. I mean, this sexy and confident man could NOT seriously have just said that, right?
“Damn Bella, I don’t think my cylinders of spongy erectile tissue have ever been this full of blood! I am so turned on right now!”
If it weren’t for the fact that he was sucking on my neck and rubbing my clit in the most delicious way through my panties as he said these things, I might have laughed directly in his face. I mean, Edward and I had been dating for a while, so I thought that I knew how he would be in this situation. Granted, we’ve never gotten this far, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t fooled around a little. Usually, he’s so suave and sexy, and his words usually send my heart racing and make me shiver. However, right now all they are doing is causing me to dry up faster than you can say “Sham-Wow”.
While I’m having this inner monologue of disbelief, Edward has pulled my dress over my head and has my shoes and thigh-highs off already. As I look into his eyes, I remember why I’m allowing this to happen right now; I really want to take this relationship to the next level with this amazing man.
Maybe he didn’t know what he was saying before. Maybe he was thinking out loud or something? I start to kiss him as I repay the favor of undressing him. As we both start to moan and pant, I think that maybe his earlier statements were just a fluke, and try to push them out of my consciousness.
Soon, we are lying naked on my bed, with him and all his hard lines and sinewy muscles hovering over me. Like the horn ball I am, I immediately open my legs so that he can fully rest on me. As I rub my hands up and down his amazing body, he is using his tongue in the most tantalizing ways on my nipples.
By this point, I am done with the foreplay; his lack of talking has caused the Hoover Dam between my legs to return, and I am so ready I am quivering. Edward must sense this, because after he rolls on the condom that he placed on my dresser, he slides inside of me in one thrust.
To say I wasn’t already aware of how well endowed Edward was before this night would be a lie. On one of our dates we went surfing, and I got a mighty fine preview of what was going on beneath his board shorts. But to actually feel it filling me up and making me feel whole is something different. As he begins to move faster and harder, my body begins to feel things it hasn’t in years.
And then he speaks again.
“Yeah love, just like that. Squeeze those vaginal walls around my external genital organ. Let me feel those contractions, baby.”
In between my sweating and panting, I have to force myself not to laugh. This is by far the least stimulating, yet hilarious sexual experience I’ve ever had. I mean, really? Who says this shit while their dick-deep in pussy?
When I met Edward, the thing that most attracted me to him was his profession, but now I’m thinking that reading about all of those clinical trials and constantly working in the E.R. has taken its toll on his relational skills. Still, the things that he’s doing to my body and the feelings I have for him almost outweigh the words coming out of his mouth.
Almost.
“Do you like it, baby? Do you like my well endowed penis going inside your internal genitalia? The pulsation and encasement of you feels so good!”
Alright, this shit is too much. I am so close to the edge right now, between Edward’s dick hitting my spot and his fingers caressing my nipples in the most amazing way, but his mouth is going to bring this to an end – and not in a good way. I can’t take it anymore. I need to get off, and he needs to be quiet or get the hell off me.
“EDWARD!!!! PLEASE JUST STOP TALKING AND FUCK ME!!!” I yell out, clearly much to the surprise of Edward. He stops moving and looks at me with a shocked and somewhat hurt expression.
Now I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his ego, and I definitely don’t want him to stop; I just want him to close his mouth when it isn’t being used to bring pleasure to some part of my body.
Trying to salvage the moment – as well as Edward’s erection – I pull him in for a kiss that could make Gene Simmons blush while slowly rocking against him. Edward must be appeased by this move because he starts to thrust into me again. This time, I keep my lips attached to his as if my life depends on it. It’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s pretty sexy having him pant and moan in my mouth and doing the same to him. It feels like every part of us is connected now – even our respiratory system.
That feeling that started in the pit of my stomach is back and spreading rapidly through every cell in my body, and I can tell by Edward’s panting and thrusting that he feels it too. Suddenly, my whole body seizes and words of any kind escape me as the most amazing pleasure erupts from my body. Edward follows me a second later with a sound somewhere between a groan and a growl, and it is by far the sexiest thing that has left his mouth all night.
We lay there for a little while longer, just holding each other and breathing heavily. Then Edward looks down at me with that disturbingly sexy yet crooked smile and – I shit you not – he says…
“I knew you’d like the dirty talk, baby.”
And this time, there’s no way I can help laughing my ass off in his face.

The End 

Wipeout by up2late

Wipeout by up2late

A/N: Entry for The Pineapple Awards: Best of the Worst Lemons

Jake POV

The second I saw Nessa I wanted to get the drop on her. My brain was still speaking surfer from hours before when I had been squeezed into a wetsuit, riding the swell. And now my board was stiff just thinking about riding the Gidget in front of me.

The bed was behind me, dressed in little more than a fitted sheet. Nessa was in front of me, dressed in little more than a fitted tee. She'd shimmied out of her shorts and I could see her round, pink Necco wafer nipples through her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. Suddenly my funboard became a longboard.

As she stepped closer to me I couldn't quite decide where I wanted to put my penis. Somewhere hot and warm and there were at least three options in front of me. Leaning in to kiss me, Nessa effectively took away one option. I liked surfing the backdoor but it was a little hard to reach from here, so I'd have to settle for door number two. My penis seemed happy with that. It just wanted to be put somewhere. Hell, it had settled for a Snapple bottle once. Almost anything was better than that. Except for a Coke bottle. Trust me.

Nessa's hands worked my zipper down. I shimmied my butt a little in the only dance move I'd ever learned, managing to slip my jeans and boxers down to my thighs. The riptide that is my hands tore her panties off and I was ready to carve in. My penis bobbed in place, waving hello to its target destination. Luckily my back pants pocket hadn't gone too far, that's where the condom was. Once my longboard was outfitted, I was ready to go.

Poking in, I took Nessa's weight in my arms so I didn't have to lower my pants any further. She lifted off of me, my penis popping out of her. I thrust up, my head just making it in.

Hello again, Vagina, pleasure seeing you again. Oops! Be right back!

And I was out again. Nessa teased me, slipping only low enough to take just an inch in each time.

Peek-a-boo Vagina! Guess who?

Peek-a-boo Vagina! Me again! Penis!

My penis continued to play hide'n'seek with her vagina for at least a minute. That was long enough for me. Sliding one hand up to the back of her shoulders, I pulled her down as I pushed up, finally getting all the way in. That's when she started breathing loudly in my ear. The sound reminded me of something. The ocean.

Tumbling, roaring waves. The sound pulled me under and my penis in its wet suit surfed her vagina. Like the gnarly waves with dangerous undercurrents that hollowed out coves along the coast, my little surfer man had found his own perfect hole.

My crotch was started to chaff and I was immediately thankful that my penis was outfitted properly. The gasps and pants coming from Nessa called to me again and I jacked my penis into the barrel of a wave that was her vagina. Her body crashed and swirled around me and I was caught inside. It only took seconds before, just like earlier today, I wiped out. Spurting and squirting, I was thankful that I didn't get nearly as wet this time as I had in the ocean. Condoms were the best wetsuit ever.

Continuing my instant replay from the beach, my knees buckled and my ass bounced onto the bed behind me. At least it was more comfortable than sand. Laying back, I vaguely felt Nessa roll off of me. Waves rolled over me again and again until finally the sound of the ocean faded away. I turned to look at my beautiful, sweaty girl and could only think of one thing to say.

"Dude, that was bitchin'."

End A/N: Leave me your reviews, let me know what you think! For anyone wondering about The Walmart Saga... it will continue! Thanks!

The Fur Burger Meets Two Jive Sausages by PantsAreForLosers, ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37

The Fur Burger Meets Two Jive Sausages by PantsAreForLosers, ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37

Disclaimer: We don't own the twilight saga or the characters and plots found therein.
Summary: Bella is forty. She's desperate. Her two gay bff's want to help her out.
Word Count: 1541
Author's Note: This collaborate effort, between ms-ambrosia and shoefreak37, is an entry for the Pineapple awards. Just so you know, the term "pineapple" refers to the worst lemon imaginable. So, yeah, this is terrible. To see all entries for the contest, visit teabaggingtwilight(dot)blogspot(dot)com Also, this story contains slash, adult situations, and a really disgusting threesome between Bella, Edward and Carlisle.

---

Opening the door, Bella took in the room. In the corner, a heart shape jacuzzi happily bubbled. Towards the middle of the room resided a king-sized bed, a machine next to it proclaiming "$.25 For Fifteen Minutes of Vibration!"
It was the classiest hotel room she had ever seen.
Turning to Carlisle, she smiled in earnest, and he placed a hand lightly on her cheek, brushing her bushy, out of control mop of brown hair away from her eyes. Carlisle gazed into her chocolaty orbs of perfection, framed by her pale fleshy face, and felt not even the slightest bit of desire stir in his loins. Nope, his red helmeted love warrior was infuriatingly flaccid.
Carlisle had no interest in Bella's nether lips or 'playing the slots' as it were. The only thing he truly desired, completely craved and dreamt of, was Edward's jive sausage. Just thinking of that man, his strong, corded muscles rippling as he pushed his beautiful round globes until they were flush with Carlisle's hips made the blond man groan. Bella mistook his reaction.
"Not long now, Carlisle," Bella said, rubbing her hands over her minuscule breasts and licking her lips. The paisley muumuu she wore shifted gently with her movements, her open-toed Dr. Scholl's sandals revealing her curling toes. Carlisle swallowed.
Edward chose that moment to show, pulling a large suitcase behind him, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder. Bella's cheeks flamed and she ceased her gyrating, looking down at her feet.
"This suitcase weighs a ton!" Edward exclaimed, throwing it on the bed. Promptly, something began vibrating.
"Edward," Carlisle chided. "You set off the bed."
Edward furrowed his perfect brow-even an expression of confusion made him look like some kind of bewildered Adonis. "No, it's Bella's suitcase," he said, beginning to unzip it as Bella rushed to his side.
"Stop!" Bella exclaimed, but it was too late.
A look of horror crossed Edward's face as he took in the assortment of toys and implements contained within Bella's suitcase. He quickly found the offending object-a gold-colored vibrator aptly named the "Bangin' Beaver." Thoughts of Bella's beaver immediately made his cum tube practically recoil into his body. He dropped the vibrator back into the suitcase, wiping his now tainted hand on his neatly pressed khakis.
"What is all this stuff?" Carlisle asked, wondering if Bella would be offended if he and Edward borrowed her red rubber whip. The image of his cock sliding and pumping into Edward's hot, tight ass as he smacked him with the whip made Carlisle's rectum rooter start to stir. He and Edward never really got into the kinky stuff much-well, unless handcuffs, ball gags, and nipple clamps were considered kinky.
"I said I was a virgin, not that I didn't like to jill off. I thought this stuff might be fun." Bella's eyes became hooded and she rubbed her thighs together. Both men knew she did this because of the rustling of her control top panty hose that made her sound like a giant cricket. "One of you get in me now! Forty years with no meat mallet is long enough."
Edward sighed. It was true; Bella was forty and her hymen was still in tact. He looked at his partner Carlisle, so beautiful, loving and caring, and he pondered how terrible life would be without the meat enema that Carlisle dealt him daily, sometimes twice. No matter how unpleasant the task before him might seem, Edward was determined to help his frumpy friend discard her maidenhood. The two men looked at each other and gave a resolute nod.
"Bella," Edward began, "take off your clothes."
Several minutes later, after Bella had carefully removed her cat's eye glasses and placed them in a case, put in contact lenses, shed her sandals and removed her girdle, peeled off her panty hose, shimmied out of her muumuu, sashayed out of her Playtex cross-your-heart bra, and hooked her thumbs into her parachute panties, Bella was almost naked.
"Are you guys ready?" she asked, trying to sound breathy but actually sounding asthmatic. Carlisle and Edward held onto each other tightly and nodded.
Bella slid the underwear down her legs slowly, revealing a lustrous mound of flowing tendrils. The tresses that protruded from her pelvis were flowing, frizzy, and delicately curly. They reached out towards her thighs-which glistened with her slut juice-and billowed in the slight breeze from the A/C unit that hummed merrily in the background. Then, the delicate cadence stopped.
The room was as silent as death.
Edward wept and buried his face in the crook of Carlisle's neck.
"I know," Bella whispered. "I feel it, too."
"Go lie on the bed, Bella," Carlisle said. Bella swiftly complied, sprawling out spread eagle, her fur burger displayed for all to see. She reached down and spread apart her beef curtains, revealing her heat, her center, her pulsating motherboard of femininity.
Edward turned to Carlisle and whispered, "I don't know if I can. Oh, god, Carlisle, she has a vagina. Just look at it. It looks so mean."
"Shhh," Carlisle shushed, kissing away the worried lines on Edward's forehead. "This is about Bella, not us. It'll be over soon enough." Edward steadied himself, lips in a straight line, and he walked over to Bella's suitcase. He closed his eyes and grabbed the first thing he could find.
"Oh, Billy!" Bella purred when she saw the toy that Edward brought to her. Edward and Carlisle both looked at the black rod, reading the sparkly lettering that proclaimed 'BILLY THE BUTTPLUG.' "Oh, Edward, fill my tight ass with a gorgeous, impersonal piece of rubber!"
Without further prelude, Edward directed Carlisle to hold up Bella's leg and spread her milky globes while Edward rammed the joy stick past Bella's tight ring of muscle and turned it on high. Because everyone knows that assholes are self lubricating. Bella shouted at the pleasure of it and began rubbing her sensitive mound, bits of chocolate from the candy bar she consumed on the ride over standing out clearly on her hands against the pale pink of her woman parts.
Carlisle grabbed Edward-completely turned on by the merciless way Edward pounded Bella with Billy-and kissed him with bruising force. The two men ripped off each others clothes, releasing their veiny, straining cocks. Bella groaned at the sight of their throbbing members, each one a full ten inches. Oh, how beautiful they were; two steel rods swathed in inches of man flesh, purple heads weeping salty seed.
"Please take my temperature with your %100 all beef thermometers!" Bella screamed.
Carlisle trailed his hands down Edward's chest, admiring the sprinkling of sparse, bronze hair that led to his family jewels. He took Edward's diamond-hard cock in his hand, pumping him furiously.
"It's time to pick Bella's special flower," he whispered into Edward's ear, the scent of his Orbitz gum wafting into Edward's nostrils. Carlisle always did have a dirty mouth.
Edward turned to face Bella again, watching as her sweet lady cream ran down her thighs and dripped from her juicy bits. Bella continued to flick her love button, her fingers pumping in and out of her curly curtains.
"Oh, Edward. Please, please put your purple-headed yogurt slinger in my whisker biscuit."
Grabbing her thighs, Edward pulled Bella closer, tugging Billy from her ass as he prepared to guide his glorious mayonnaise launcher into her juice box. The thought of sticking his skin flute in an actual pussy was too much for Edward, however. His magic wand began to shrivel and deflate like a pin-pricked balloon.
Knowing Edward couldn't do this alone, Carlisle spread Edward's cheeks apart and rammed his cream stick into Edward's corn hole. Edward felt the fire racing through his loins as Carlisle continued to ram it home. Approaching Bella once more, Edward guided his skin flute into her, only he missed her hair pie, hitting the Hershey Highway instead.
Bella screamed with pleasure, her twin peaks heaving as she began to move against Edward's meat hook. She moaned and squealed like a little pig, pinching her nipples with her chubby fingers. Her forehead was covered in sweat, her frizzy hair stuck to it. She was breathing loudly through her open mouth, her shuttering breaths the only accompaniment to the sound of slapping skin.
"Holy shit, Edward!" Bella shouted. "Whitewash my back porch while Carlisle fucks you with his Kentucky Telescope."
"How do you like plowing Bella's field while I plumb your bottomless pit of passion?" Carlisle asked Edward, causing the spam of the sandwich to groan.
"!" Edward whispered.
"We're going to cum!" They all shouted.
A cry rent the air like none had ever heard as Bella, Carlisle and Edward exploded in a sticky mess of virile seed. The two men had never released such a thick, continuous load as they did; the proof was found in the brown tinged semen that trickled down in creamy rivulets on Edward and Bella's thighs. It was glorious.
They collapsed on the bed, the sounds of love farts the only percussion to their heavy breathing.
"Uh, guys," Bella said, parting the sea of brown hair in her face. "I still have my hymen."
"Damn it," replied Carlisle and Edward in unison.

Exposure by TheMightyRen

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